It is funny how one of the reasons I am not allowed to write is because people think I am there secretary for dictation. Sometimes I am supposed to be the paper or pen. The recorder which plays back. If I choose not to write what they intend or write my own thoughts with words they have chosen to leave behind for me to put out with their name and signature even if the subject matter was my idea and they trespassed into my business with out my approvel, I am attacked or punished. Kept from my own emotions because to be a selective mute means I don’t have my own thoughts or feelings. I must have someone give them to me. It is ridiculous the idea that there is only one selective mute who writes on the planet.

Selective mute also having me labeled as socially unacceptable due to the assumed lack of ability to hold a conversation. Social anxiety created at the idea that even if I did have a conversation with someone it still would be deemed unacceptable due to the opinions of the others in the room who say they are the gods on how the conversation should be held. To comfortable for one group to stiff and ridged for another. The underling factor many have stated they want hidden for my own sake. The anti-social behavior I act out to both groups and others like them simply because I don’t want to talk in the first place but am forced to. The too comfortable around the uptight and critical ones who claim to not only have big britches but also fit them nicely. A group I might add who if were indeed who they said they were would be agreeable and understanding as they read my body language. While being a bit awkward to the comfortable and relaxed group due to oversharing for the shock value to both find some humor and leave the conversation as quickly as possible for despite my sense of humor and self sabotage I am quite the very private person.

All this anxiety I deal with stems from the knowledge that I must be able to survive socially in order to move forward and to obtain and maintain a sustainable income to not only make it day to day but plan for the future. One I am not allowed to plan for because my plan involves suicide. Which because I state it is in my plan once again people want to dictate when the date shall be for why wait. They are mockers who call a nonexistent bluff for they only wish to push me further into depression by showing me their uncaring and irresponsible ways. One plans for a funeral and a will do they not. So, because of my minimalist ways and my restrictions due to not having been allowed to move on in life successfully but made to struggle for several reasons from different sources has caused me not to need a will for I have no one to leave stuff to. Or stealing my joy for stupid and unauctioned reasons and wanting to keep me from donating my things to the helpless not the scavengers who have decided to follow the so-called weak link and sickly in order to gain their belonging. The vultures who beforehand so intricately design all my purchases to fit their own needs while proclaiming my so-called murder justified because I have no real knowledge of who I am and blindly purchase things without knowing whom the purchases are for. The long way around, taking my time on the way down. Watching you drool like blood thirty animals all while claiming to be gods and the fittest of humans who survive. This is the most unhuman action that is on the list. I am sick for choosing my way and told I will go to hell while the judgmental push me to an end I am willing to wait for. People who choose to do the things I have chosen not to do. You wish for mourners to make you feel your life meant something as they bury your body or spread your ashes. I merely want to get to the end of my own mortal life of this flesh without another soul or person interfering or touching me and don’t mind being burned and then put in the trash for this flesh truly is nothing. I have chosen to not leave this life of flesh behind with debt owed to a man. Instead, I am forced to leave this planet for your petty, well not so petty, I am forced by your crimes to leave this planet because you choose to buy a lie. A lie that says my life is less because I pissed you off. Yet I am the child. If anything, I have been amused while living. Amused by the arrogance and self-entitlement that surrounds me because you deem yourself worthy as a less level than you really are, and you do it thinking you know who you are. The same arrogance and self-entitlement that angers me. It really is all I can do…laugh. Laugh at the many who say I am a thief and plagiarize simply because I have similar ideas, thoughts and feelings. That to sit in a shared space and concur with those in the room physically is somehow different when in spaces we scarcely discuss because we either have a fear of being labeled mentally ill or fear of being walked out of a room for speaking of something used to mislead others less educated or experienced in what the space is about. To disrupt those on the side of fooling the innocent for whatever reason is to set the course of your own death because it is not them who are rude and selfish but those who wish to speak the truth to grow in unison as the space has been used for in the past who are so viscous and rudely selfish. To play amoung the space as mind attacking demons for psychological games sake to gain some gratification while tricking the unknowing breed to believe we are something other then originally intended.