Now What?

You have reached a huge goal that you have planned for over the last thirty-two years. You seem to be on the other side, but you still have connections to people from the life you are trying to escape from. The life that was good, but it was a lie. You hated lying to people but did not think you had a choice because of your situation. You did everything you could to be as honest as possible even to the point of self-disillusionment. You sit down to write about how you are, what you are thinking and feeling about being where you are since you left your family and life you had only to see once again how many steps and the points on your map of goals you had to mark off to get here. When you think of the first time you started thinking about getting out you were only a pre-teen. You only tell one person, then withdrawal and hide your heart and thoughts. Continue with just being a kid. And remember kids do not have lives and cannot talk about their life or their experiences. Especially since it puts their newly rededicated to Christianity parents at risk of looking bad.  

Three years later, after being accused of losing your virginity when you had not. Moving because of the accusation. Then having your head pushed into your pillow till you black out and then coming to with voices of your parents outside your bedroom. Some extremely uncomfortable coming of age encounters with your stepfather. You sit down at the fairly new family computer and pull up the calculator and start thinking about how much money you would need to live on your own. Back then it was around ten to twelve dollars and hour for the town you lived in and that was barely scrapping by. You also, with your mother’s help, decided it was definitely time to learn how to wash your own clothes. Things seem to slow down and get quiet, but over the next few years you dream and set up your room like a studio apartment and know you must get through school with as much knowledge as allowed and bid your time abiding by the rules until you turn eighteen and can leave your parents’ house. You black out the grooming conversation to this day.  

Two years later you graduate and start looking for a job so you can move on with your then six-year-old plan. You picked a job in food services just a few blocks from your parents’ apartment complex. It is your second time working in this field and this time it did not work out. Something just was not right. So, you find another job. While working there you move out of your parents’ and in with a friend and her family. After going out of town for an event in another town you meet someone and then nine months later you are married. Alot of strict parenting about clothing and how you should stay and follow Pentecostal beliefs came prior to your decision to marry. So much pressure from your parents kept you from seeing the true nature of what you were getting into. Like looking back while running from the life of lies caused you to trip into an even more difficult future. When your then Fiancé and you decided the best thing would be to have you move to the town he was living in because it would be closer to his workplace you felt so much relief. You finally did not have to be near your parents any longer. Thoughts of completely cutting them off stay in the back of your mind. But after around four months you are both back living in the same town as them. Again, they are overly involved, and you can see them seeking even more control and the effects of the stress of losing the control they had. You tried everything to stay in your marriage to your husband. But strange things were happening, and this is when the first visible signs of the occult started showing themselves in the actions of not just your parents but your husband as well. A place in time that triggers all the other occult occurrences. You started to just accept this was how it would be. You would never be truly happy. Instead, you focused on how to be content. Connecting and practicing principles and proverbs to help you with being content. You really began to believe you had just married the wrong person and needed to find a way out of the situation. It was when you had thoughts of killing your husband it was time to leave. You would be on your own again and trying your best to get out another way. However, the only way out was moving back in with your parents so you could regroup and find a way out from under the debt your husband had found a way to get you both into.  

It is five years after becoming a legal adult and you receive your divorce papers. You continue with your plans to get your own place. While married they were not upset with you being a part of the church bulletin and so you try writing but only stick to anything and everything Christian so to not rock the boat with your parents. At least you were allowed to write right? There is serious parenting control and abusive narcissistic behavior to be unpacked in that last statement, but again for a different time. After about a year you move in with a friend you met through church and for the third time in your life live with someone other than your parents. Then you were not fully aware but now you can see where your parents were going behind your back and talking to people connected with you. You decide it is time to find a place of your own.  

It is October 2004. You have arrived…kind of. Once again, you think maybe this will not be so bad. Maybe just having a place of your own will be enough. Just enough illusion portrayed that you are still willing to be controlled but there had to be boundaries. And just like that the lies, the forceful control all started being hidden again. You had decided all you wanted was to go to work come home have a few hobbies, time to yourself, and continue to go to church so you could socialize with your parents hopefully keeping them satisfied that you were not going anywhere, and all the known but unknown family stuff would be forever forgotten. But two months later they were back at it. You gave up. There is no hope for a life without drama, control, and constant giving. A life of just being used as entertainment and duty are all the exist. No life of your own. No thoughts of your own without prior permission. The independence of a young women is nonexistence. They are not capable. Not intelligent enough to acquire the knowledge themselves. They cannot and will never be free. This is the mindset. So again, bidding time. Find something to do. Found too much to do some would say. Time on the internet and seeing not only the state your life is in but the state of the world you live in and that there seemed to be no escape from any of it…You want to leave. You plan to leave. Again, planning. Back to the plan. The first one. The one twenty-one-year-old.  

From a four old’s lips and an adult man saying choose how you will do it. From a life of being told pills and slit wrists are a weak way to die. I arrived. Now here I am mid plan, knowing I am surrounded with people portraying psychopathic tendencies, for what reason does not matter right now because it will not change that psychopathic characters are a current variable, the occult and being told I am not to live. The only reason they give, the secrets. The ones that never would have been released if they had not persisted in keeping me in their lives in the first place. They failed to see it was never about what happened. It was that they would not let go. I am the paranoid one. I really think he would have. It was her. Selfishness. She had to have control of someone, but then again, she needed someone to control because she could not handle being controlled herself. To control others is their release and when being honest they have no shame. To leave them behind along with all the others is my greatest desire and here I am still knowing because of the connections introduced to me by and through the life and choices of my parents and the tactic of confusion in times of war, I will never be free. Freedom I am told is in the mind, but even there I am told who, what and how to live, talk and be. They are parasites feeding off every piece of energy and life you have. Yet here I am.  

I am here.  

… 

And here is what I am eating this week:  

Up first we have an egg, kale, and tomato casserole. This one is really one of my favorite grab and go meals that can be eaten hot or cold. Number of eggs depending on size of pan. Add some onion and garlic with whatever seasonings you prefer. I am not great at following recipes. I usually just throw whatever I have on hand with a few items I grab from the store that might go with said items. 

Ready to go in a two-compartment container, I have added chia seeds with some powdered peanut butter and cocoa powder with honey to set up as a pudding. I will add a salad if I need more food that day and… 

I am sure you have at some point seen rice chips made from rice paper fried in oil. I do use olive oil carefully on this one to not set the smoke alarm off. If I still want a little something before bed these will be my go-to for the next week or two. These are great with a little pink salt and nutritional yeast. The ones below have my latest popcorn seasoning mix I made. I think it had some ground flaxseed in it.  

Stay safe Wednesday and be sure to love the ones that love the day. I’m good, but you know how they can be. Just kidding I love you lovey dovey people too. Who could go a day without the romantic ones, seriously, I just don’t like spending money…Wink Wink. If you tell anyone…

Don’t forget your water, that is a Valintine’s Day tip also, if you know. If you don’t, I’ll just say natural liberation if that helps. If it doesn’t…yeah, I just can’t help you.