Time off or Distraction

It has been a long week. I was sick the first few days but was able to get some things done. I still have not been able to sleep well. Quantity with no quality. I still have this magik trick that has been burdening me since 2018. Four months after I left the town I was living in. It is possible that this is what happens to my sister when she is trying to leave. Maybe. It is the people he chose to use. The two say they are not connected, yet somehow… 

It has taken a few days to even get to a place where I could breathe a little and even now when I think about the time, I feel a weight and am filled with anxiety. I went over some work stuff and will be continuing that for a while. Of course it is also tax season. There is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.  

I have taken a few days to try and rest since it has been so long since I have had what is supposed to be a break. Physically more than mentally, but again it is hard to get the physical rest I need when there is constant chatter, alarms and ‘whispering’ thoughts while sleeping. It is funny cause talking about it is what makes me crazy. The first few days was spent having to listen to the constant talk of you are supposed to kill yourself. Then it changed to wait till you are at the end of the two months that were given to you along with feelings of how grateful I should be for the graciousness. As usual after a few days I went back to ignoring them and of course had to listen to them when I started ‘doing what they say’ keep in mind these are things I would do anyways or may not have thought of myself but did not reject the idea. Sometimes I think they do not know about my parents and the things that I have already been through. Maybe they do not know he can hear them as well as me. I do not think they realize you can wear more than one ‘hat’ or magik trick. Each one that thinks they are the only ones; do not know we are not alone. It is rare to have the groups together or close in time span. Of course, the subconscious thinkers or ones with no voice have no indicator other than what is forced upon me. Just as the signatures I see over many things. The things forced on someone tells you something about the person that is doing the forcing. I am not sure if the last two days has been a distraction to keep me from getting a subject to write about so much as to empty my mind as some say or an attempt to keep me once again from writing at all since spilling my thoughts are something that would be irresponsible to do in my current state. Do I tell them here? That all those years ago I could be found and that I would write what was happening as it was happening? That I did contact the authorities and told them what I would do? Is it time to? I heard someone just today decide to use words on me I have used in the past. Are they in the magik trick hat? Their voice is. Infact it is the fact that the voices being heard and that they are people I know from my past only tells others who have knowledge of schizophrenia that I am not having an episode. I am in fact being followed, stalked, and harassed. I was told I would never be allowed to keep a job, that they would find me and make me lose it. They work with my stepdad to aid him. I sometimes wonder what or how they get paid. It has always been personal to me.  

Of all the movies I watched, LUCY is the one that had to be my favorite. Aquaman being second. Lucy was like watching my last post being put into movie form. Or maybe with the life I have had it was the movie I watched in the future that defined my present belief system. Depends on who you are, I guess. Circles. To see or be told of future events only to live them out really is a Matrix-Oracle moment. One I have more than grown accustomed to. It is only when talking to critics or judgmental people or just @ssholes that it even surfaces as needing acknowledgement. When dealing with these types of people my own smart @ss characteristic come out as I hide all emotion and go strictly into think mode straight android face and all. No emotion pure logic and whatever bs that keeps them in their own little @sswhole world of I know that I know when they clearly do not. At least I try to read people and not scare unknowing ones. Some do not. The truth is, they caught me, and I tell them they did and that they overestimated me too. Some get it and some do not. The ones that do not are the ones that I walk away from. I am no longer sure of why they approached me in the first place. LUCY was a good movie.  

So, going into next week…all I can say is, try to stay positive, keep your eyes open and do not forget your taxes while waiting for everything you need to come in to do said taxes. Some of those things you must ask for. Have a good week and drink your water.