Still Alive, just vegetating 

It started Friday night…or was it the afternoon…I needed a break. Alot has happened since the phone call that cost me my job. Yet, it seems like nothing has happened at all. I seem to have accomplished truly little in any actual goals being completed or the ones that have not been achieved on time. The crazy (the hat/screen/accessory/dark arts tool) is causing an issue with my scheduling and my own self sabotage has agreed thus I have not been as routine as I like. It does not help with the male voices from outside my window have been heard saying I need to sleep during the day and be up a night because that is when it happens, and they will make a whore out of me yet. So mostly my problem has been my sleeping routine. Even if I get up in the morning at my regular time, I am kept up that night into the next morning about 2:00am to 2:30am a few times even till 4:00am. So, then I do not get up till 11:00am or 12:30pm the next day and my entire day is ruined. I like to be up early and have any unplanned scheduling done by lunch. With all the emotions, not being able to get up enough energy to go to the gym (which always helps a slump) and of course the new stress of a court date I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. My neck and shoulders have taken all the stress and I have done nothing by sitting at my desk most of the last few weeks. So, I took all of Saturday and all today just lying in bed. I did not allow myself to sit at my desk. So, I am late.  

I really am not surprised since they must keep me from writing so I can get the message. It will get quiet, and I will not have too many problems until I do write, then it starts all over again. They threaten not only my freedom of speech by putting themselves in the place to dictate what I can and cannot say. They do not seem to understand I will not be stopping.  

On top of everything else, my car needs to be fixed, and I really do not have the money to pay the rent and pay for the car. It can cost up to a thousand dollars just to fix the issue that it has now and if history has repeats itself something new will happen once, I do get it fixed or if I wait too long and end up with the money then the problem will have grown into a more expensive one.  

There are no people, no networks that can help and the ones that can have sided with the ones wanting to keep me quiet. That is what money can do and that is what we have known for an exceptionally long time. It is simply hard to believe it is past the ‘it won’t be much longer’ to ‘the any day now’. I highly doubt I will be able to find work. I cannot blame a company for not wanting to take an at-risk employee and we know it will be the unspoken thing that potentially will keep me from getting a job. I have decided to do hybrid or at risk in less the employer chooses to let me work on site with the current state of things. It just does not look promising.  

The hat has wanted me to get a cigarette or blow job… or both for a while now, but I am going to wait. The final emergency call looks like it will be made this year. The mocking of not mentioning suicide was even put in song the last trip I took in the car. They just repeat the same stuff. Mock and harass. The voices of that are what happens when you mess with that stuff has been heard here more than the places I came from. Of course, it would be understandable since they do not have knowledge of my family’s history or what I was born into without a choice.  

I find it funny that the voices think that I care that no one cares. I mean on some level I do. It is just I have known how it would end since I remember so much, and no one wants to get involved so does it matter if they care. You can care and still be unwilling and/or unable to help. What is the point of dwelling on the fact I already know what is going to happen and not because I want to?  

To another week that has gone and the new week ahead. I hope it goes well for everyone and mostly for the reader.