Better at giving ideas than carrying them out

I know why I like my field. It has rules. It is direct. I know what to do. There is no need to feel a certain way or think a certain way. My field allows my brain to and emotions to rest. It gives me problems I can solve and on my own. It can be organized and flow. It is easy for me.

I can think of content for people who have a niche. I don’t have one. I can learn just about any software but can’t seem to bring myself to pay money I don’t have to use it and build my own site. I am not good at taking risks. My choice to leave my past life is the only risk I have been able to put forth energy into. It has exhausted me. Helping people was fun. Now I need help and I don’t have what it takes to even use the ideas of my own to put out content.

It takes an investment to make money. It takes the ability to take a risk. To be cut out for being able to not just think outside the box but step outside of it to put into action the creative thoughts. Nothing is free. I have always been good at finding a way. Pulling things out of my ass when needed. Great at problem solving. Now, it seems that the only time I can do that is if it is for someone else. My pessimism in overcoming me and my thoughts about myself are not that I can but that I can’t. The thoughts of getting the knowledge of the skills needed are overtaken by the need for money or the pressure of time.

I stopped and got a pack of cigarettes early this year. Proof of the overwhelming stress. I am good with stress until I start processing my memories. To move on I have to process them. To break old habits and be myself, who I truly am I have to deal with the emotions that come with my past.

To come so far and still be nowhere…it is frustrating. My own words kept from me when I try to process them in a healthy way and in a way that is normal for me has been come exhausting in itself. Like my own life is stolen they accuse and say what I don’t write about my own emotions, experiences and life. The situation is ridiculous. Maybe it’s a ploy to just keep me from talking about it. Or a push to stop being vague and hiding behind my poetry and being forced to write about it in a clear factual way. I still wish I was someone else sometimes. Never having been through the things I have been through. The protective way the mind works keeping the ugly truth covered up so you can make it through another day seems self-destructive. The actions and choices made due to the unprocessed thoughts and emotions one does because the mind says you aren’t ready to deal with what has happened to you. I wonder why that process exists. The hat/screen/accessory that takes over the natural process of dreaming by allowing others into your subconscious keeps the true healing from happening. That being the missing link. One of the getting in the way of a person’s natural understanding and healing process of the day and the days before. It is dangerous. Yet, you are still blamed for actions that are not of your own character, but seeds placed by others.

I am not sure how I will, but I still move forward even if I am still standing in one place. Just another lining up of the points in time. More evidence that ‘any day now’ is here.