It started Friday night…or was it the afternoon…I needed a break. Alot has happened since the phone call that cost me my job. Yet, it seems like nothing has happened at all. I seem to have accomplished truly little in any actual goals being completed or the ones that have not been achieved on time. The crazy (the hat/screen/accessory/dark arts tool) is causing an issue with my scheduling and my own self sabotage has agreed thus I have not been as routine as I like. It does not help with the male voices from outside my window have been heard saying I need to sleep during the day and be up a night because that is when it happens, and they will make a whore out of me yet. So mostly my problem has been my sleeping routine. Even if I get up in the morning at my regular time, I am kept up that night into the next morning about 2:00am to 2:30am a few times even till 4:00am. So, then I do not get up till 11:00am or 12:30pm the next day and my entire day is ruined. I like to be up early and have any unplanned scheduling done by lunch. With all the emotions, not being able to get up enough energy to go to the gym (which always helps a slump) and of course the new stress of a court date I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. My neck and shoulders have taken all the stress and I have done nothing by sitting at my desk most of the last few weeks. So, I took all of Saturday and all today just lying in bed. I did not allow myself to sit at my desk. So, I am late.
I really am not surprised since they must keep me from writing so I can get the message. It will get quiet, and I will not have too many problems until I do write, then it starts all over again. They threaten not only my freedom of speech by putting themselves in the place to dictate what I can and cannot say. They do not seem to understand I will not be stopping.
On top of everything else, my car needs to be fixed, and I really do not have the money to pay the rent and pay for the car. It can cost up to a thousand dollars just to fix the issue that it has now and if history has repeats itself something new will happen once, I do get it fixed or if I wait too long and end up with the money then the problem will have grown into a more expensive one.
There are no people, no networks that can help and the ones that can have sided with the ones wanting to keep me quiet. That is what money can do and that is what we have known for an exceptionally long time. It is simply hard to believe it is past the ‘it won’t be much longer’ to ‘the any day now’. I highly doubt I will be able to find work. I cannot blame a company for not wanting to take an at-risk employee and we know it will be the unspoken thing that potentially will keep me from getting a job. I have decided to do hybrid or at risk in less the employer chooses to let me work on site with the current state of things. It just does not look promising.
The hat has wanted me to get a cigarette or blow job… or both for a while now, but I am going to wait. The final emergency call looks like it will be made this year. The mocking of not mentioning suicide was even put in song the last trip I took in the car. They just repeat the same stuff. Mock and harass. The voices of that are what happens when you mess with that stuff has been heard here more than the places I came from. Of course, it would be understandable since they do not have knowledge of my family’s history or what I was born into without a choice.
I find it funny that the voices think that I care that no one cares. I mean on some level I do. It is just I have known how it would end since I remember so much, and no one wants to get involved so does it matter if they care. You can care and still be unwilling and/or unable to help. What is the point of dwelling on the fact I already know what is going to happen and not because I want to?
To another week that has gone and the new week ahead. I hope it goes well for everyone and mostly for the reader.
You know that feeling of accomplishment being defeated by an emergency that is out of your control; the one that affects the goals you had saved for?
Today I heard for the second time that yes it was what they do, run you out of your money. Then I found the key I needed had been removed while the memory of Wednesday’s public overload that happened while having my backpack run through a backscatter scanner started running through my mind. I heard someone ask for the key in that <insert muffled sound like ‘that white box’ and referencing me as their wife> as I was being talked to about my phones and hearing someone else say to the person running the pack through that I did not come in with them and I came in alone. Of course, I am in a room full of people and this accessory/hat/screen attached to my person in some way causing an echo that in these situations makes it hard to know if some voices and sounds come from the room or not. Enough time did pass for the key to have been removed from the clasp but left in the box as a warning that if I went back to that building it would be taken reiterating the threat when I first got the key ring that the keys would be taken from me so I would have to pay for a rekeying of the box it belonged to. The fact that I would have to go back to that building was mentioned and the response was that it would be on me and that I would lose that key. Keep the key, do not go to the building. As you can see the key ring is not very easy to open.
Usual tactics have been used the last two times I have pulled that key out. The tactics of getting my attention off the ring and my mind on the other things around me, resulting in forgetting the key is in my pocket, whereas I usually immediately put it back into to the box once in its presence. Could the ring have had pressure put on it during that time, sure. Could the two instances be an opportunity used as a set up to re-mention the loss of the key to be spoken of again to scare and intimidate me from continuing to go to the authorities, yes. Either way that key came off to send a threatening message. Another illegal threat.
More threats come from outside my window. More illegal activity as the item that plagues me is played with against my will. The item forced upon me by people who believe it is okay to mark someone just because they do not like them. Others accept their actions in good faith that the person who placed the mark follows culture and did it as a warning to others. No, this person chooses to be selfish and uses the faithful to get what they want while telling me I will not be believed but they will. (the rest removed and will wait for another day)
Divination. The foretelling of the future. The being made new. The changing of life to try to make things better. The butterfly effect. To have something you must give something. To get a life you give a life. The cost is equal to that which you purchase.
The windows meet and I try several attempts to dodge, few know and fewer I am afraid do not trust. Get out before it is too dark and that is when the suffocation begins. To be cut off from that which you love. To have selfish and bitter people keep track so to make sure that love is no longer touched. Hatred. Due to jealousy, I am told.
The last two days have been the quite that happens as seeds from a specific group get laid as I sleep. The pause and reflect needed to keep from certain lines being crossed. I am exhausted, I lay with my subconscious opened by sleep deprivation and hypervigilance. Brain washing and conditioning. One of the many things I keep being told, that it will never stop.
“We will not stop.”
As they are kind only to open me up and keep taking the opportunity to sow more seeds. They ware down. Constant harassment and stalking. It is like the image of the person tied to a chair while their eyes are forced open to watch the screen in front of them for days with no sleep, water, or food. Only I have no tangible binding, I have food and water, but their replacement fear and intimidation of a multitude of people mocking and threatening with only one place to go, seclusion.
Seclusion, brain washing and bond making for success.
Far too many long paragraphs and far too many broken thoughts.
Not yet restless. Not well rested. The last time the volume turned all the way down on this trick it caused vertigo. But to be fair anytime I lose a lot of quality sleep I have dizzy spells. Again, truth be told if the volume were up, I would probably have yelling in my head about needing to do or not doing something. Last night the insinuation was that I had changed plans on laundry and even though the laundry mat was closed, and I could not get it done I had to suffer the consequences. Said consequences was wired sleeplessness. However, I also have had a lot of histamine filled foods and have been experiencing symptoms of a mass cell release. Is it ever going to be just one thing? Maybe, the physical evidence is the truth, and the yelling is judgment on their perceived ideas on why I am suffering. Either way I am exhausted. I hate having inner ear trouble. I hate it more that it can be caused without my consent by the supernatural. I will leave that there other than to say the feeling of a popping in your ear followed by what feels like the aftermath of being smacked in the back of the head is stomach dropping and extremely frustrating due to the knowledge when I go to lay down that lose crystal will be causing havoc on my inner ear.
Even now the voice is yelling at me. Then arguing how they are not yelling. 2018. You have yipped and taken free will since then at minimum. I am being kind. More research on the dark arts and the consequences of its use. Followed with more yelling, mocking, and strutting about how they are above the law. It is insanity. I was born into insanity.
Anyways, I heard a song I want to share with you. 180 by Tyson Venegas, from his 2023 self-titled EP. The fifth track, 3rd is not too bad either. The whole EP had an exceptionally smooth and relaxing sound. The lyrics on 180 though are what got my attention. He talks about using his platform to express and share his ideas on politics and world change since he is not old enough to vote. Why wait to be involved in the change the world needs. Most importantly I think being the change the world needs by using your voice and not just dropping your choice of a change facilitator into a voting box. There are six total tracks on the EP. Worth checking out especially if you are in a mellow music mood.
This week’s new addition is joining a discord channel. My introduction was of course a poem. Writing is my go-to in situations that will allow me to use it as a way to express myself when I am not sure what or how to say something. It is always a comfort for me in situations that are awkward for me, (it is on the Poetry page). This of course led to the obvious idea that I have been avoiding. Other than the weekly updates worked in my over processed emotions typed here I do not write much. The excuse I have been using is I need a prompt to distract me from my stress and trauma being forced from my being. Which was the only reason I went to discord. I had thought about books too, but at some point, I know I will want a critic. That is when what has been in the back of my mind and the thing, I have been avoiding became unavoidable. Music. Music is what prompts me. I am reluctant. …
That brought up a lot of feelings. Like my number one item to get once getting a place of my own was headphones and a piano. This fear kept coming up along with all the excuses that came with it. Like my song writing is over. Only a cistern and not a well. I said that back in the day when I succumbed to my own insecurities. Some say an empty pen with no ink and how they wish to fill me. Arrogance leaves this burning stench behind. To succumb is to give way of credit to another. That consequence is still following me and is filled with doubt. I wasted four months because of fear of failure and the need to constantly be prepared for it. Not the if it happens but when it happens. Due to the nature of my circumstances, I cannot argue with myself. I can only rationalize and accept it has happened.
For Four Thousand Miles and Anyone for you (Tiger Lily) I must leave and yes Coffin finally hit. Thats all.
September is when my lease ends. September is when I will be homeless again. Can you tell my hopes for a job are not there? *sigh* I am in between trying to rest from this atmosphere and trying in general. Vacation must be over.
Can’t get scared, been there.
Can’t be destroyed, been demolished.
Restored. Visited but the thieves always come back.
Come in Positivity… for the love of love…please:
Quick search for some inspiration…
Sharing is detrimental to the situation but a necessary process. Public not by choice. Therapy cost. Thank you for being at my place. Never to be seen and never heard, but forever present.
Water, water, and more water. Remember physical health is a large part of staying mentally healthy. You cannot function off exhaustion. Healing takes rest. Remember to rest.
I hope you have a wonderful week and that we move forward into light and help along with good graces and not more abusive behavior.
It has been a long week. I was sick the first few days but was able to get some things done. I still have not been able to sleep well. Quantity with no quality. I still have this magik trick that has been burdening me since 2018. Four months after I left the town I was living in. It is possible that this is what happens to my sister when she is trying to leave. Maybe. It is the people he chose to use. The two say they are not connected, yet somehow…
It has taken a few days to even get to a place where I could breathe a little and even now when I think about the time, I feel a weight and am filled with anxiety. I went over some work stuff and will be continuing that for a while. Of course it is also tax season. There is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.
I have taken a few days to try and rest since it has been so long since I have had what is supposed to be a break. Physically more than mentally, but again it is hard to get the physical rest I need when there is constant chatter, alarms and ‘whispering’ thoughts while sleeping. It is funny cause talking about it is what makes me crazy. The first few days was spent having to listen to the constant talk of you are supposed to kill yourself. Then it changed to wait till you are at the end of the two months that were given to you along with feelings of how grateful I should be for the graciousness. As usual after a few days I went back to ignoring them and of course had to listen to them when I started ‘doing what they say’ keep in mind these are things I would do anyways or may not have thought of myself but did not reject the idea. Sometimes I think they do not know about my parents and the things that I have already been through. Maybe they do not know he can hear them as well as me. I do not think they realize you can wear more than one ‘hat’ or magik trick. Each one that thinks they are the only ones; do not know we are not alone. It is rare to have the groups together or close in time span. Of course, the subconscious thinkers or ones with no voice have no indicator other than what is forced upon me. Just as the signatures I see over many things. The things forced on someone tells you something about the person that is doing the forcing. I am not sure if the last two days has been a distraction to keep me from getting a subject to write about so much as to empty my mind as some say or an attempt to keep me once again from writing at all since spilling my thoughts are something that would be irresponsible to do in my current state. Do I tell them here? That all those years ago I could be found and that I would write what was happening as it was happening? That I did contact the authorities and told them what I would do? Is it time to? I heard someone just today decide to use words on me I have used in the past. Are they in the magik trick hat? Their voice is. Infact it is the fact that the voices being heard and that they are people I know from my past only tells others who have knowledge of schizophrenia that I am not having an episode. I am in fact being followed, stalked, and harassed. I was told I would never be allowed to keep a job, that they would find me and make me lose it. They work with my stepdad to aid him. I sometimes wonder what or how they get paid. It has always been personal to me.
Of all the movies I watched, LUCY is the one that had to be my favorite. Aquaman being second. Lucy was like watching my last post being put into movie form. Or maybe with the life I have had it was the movie I watched in the future that defined my present belief system. Depends on who you are, I guess. Circles. To see or be told of future events only to live them out really is a Matrix-Oracle moment. One I have more than grown accustomed to. It is only when talking to critics or judgmental people or just @ssholes that it even surfaces as needing acknowledgement. When dealing with these types of people my own smart @ss characteristic come out as I hide all emotion and go strictly into think mode straight android face and all. No emotion pure logic and whatever bs that keeps them in their own little @sswhole world of I know that I know when they clearly do not. At least I try to read people and not scare unknowing ones. Some do not. The truth is, they caught me, and I tell them they did and that they overestimated me too. Some get it and some do not. The ones that do not are the ones that I walk away from. I am no longer sure of why they approached me in the first place. LUCY was a good movie.
So, going into next week…all I can say is, try to stay positive, keep your eyes open and do not forget your taxes while waiting for everything you need to come in to do said taxes. Some of those things you must ask for. Have a good week and drink your water.
You have reached a huge goal that you have planned for over the last thirty-two years. You seem to be on the other side, but you still have connections to people from the life you are trying to escape from. The life that was good, but it was a lie. You hated lying to people but did not think you had a choice because of your situation. You did everything you could to be as honest as possible even to the point of self-disillusionment. You sit down to write about how you are, what you are thinking and feeling about being where you are since you left your family and life you had only to see once again how many steps and the points on your map of goals you had to mark off to get here. When you think of the first time you started thinking about getting out you were only a pre-teen. You only tell one person, then withdrawal and hide your heart and thoughts. Continue with just being a kid. And remember kids do not have lives and cannot talk about their life or their experiences. Especially since it puts their newly rededicated to Christianity parents at risk of looking bad.
Three years later, after being accused of losing your virginity when you had not. Moving because of the accusation. Then having your head pushed into your pillow till you black out and then coming to with voices of your parents outside your bedroom. Some extremely uncomfortable coming of age encounters with your stepfather. You sit down at the fairly new family computer and pull up the calculator and start thinking about how much money you would need to live on your own. Back then it was around ten to twelve dollars and hour for the town you lived in and that was barely scrapping by. You also, with your mother’s help, decided it was definitely time to learn how to wash your own clothes. Things seem to slow down and get quiet, but over the next few years you dream and set up your room like a studio apartment and know you must get through school with as much knowledge as allowed and bid your time abiding by the rules until you turn eighteen and can leave your parents’ house. You black out the grooming conversation to this day.
Two years later you graduate and start looking for a job so you can move on with your then six-year-old plan. You picked a job in food services just a few blocks from your parents’ apartment complex. It is your second time working in this field and this time it did not work out. Something just was not right. So, you find another job. While working there you move out of your parents’ and in with a friend and her family. After going out of town for an event in another town you meet someone and then nine months later you are married. Alot of strict parenting about clothing and how you should stay and follow Pentecostal beliefs came prior to your decision to marry. So much pressure from your parents kept you from seeing the true nature of what you were getting into. Like looking back while running from the life of lies caused you to trip into an even more difficult future. When your then Fiancé and you decided the best thing would be to have you move to the town he was living in because it would be closer to his workplace you felt so much relief. You finally did not have to be near your parents any longer. Thoughts of completely cutting them off stay in the back of your mind. But after around four months you are both back living in the same town as them. Again, they are overly involved, and you can see them seeking even more control and the effects of the stress of losing the control they had. You tried everything to stay in your marriage to your husband. But strange things were happening, and this is when the first visible signs of the occult started showing themselves in the actions of not just your parents but your husband as well. A place in time that triggers all the other occult occurrences. You started to just accept this was how it would be. You would never be truly happy. Instead, you focused on how to be content. Connecting and practicing principles and proverbs to help you with being content. You really began to believe you had just married the wrong person and needed to find a way out of the situation. It was when you had thoughts of killing your husband it was time to leave. You would be on your own again and trying your best to get out another way. However, the only way out was moving back in with your parents so you could regroup and find a way out from under the debt your husband had found a way to get you both into.
It is five years after becoming a legal adult and you receive your divorce papers. You continue with your plans to get your own place. While married they were not upset with you being a part of the church bulletin and so you try writing but only stick to anything and everything Christian so to not rock the boat with your parents. At least you were allowed to write right? There is serious parenting control and abusive narcissistic behavior to be unpacked in that last statement, but again for a different time. After about a year you move in with a friend you met through church and for the third time in your life live with someone other than your parents. Then you were not fully aware but now you can see where your parents were going behind your back and talking to people connected with you. You decide it is time to find a place of your own.
It is October 2004. You have arrived…kind of. Once again, you think maybe this will not be so bad. Maybe just having a place of your own will be enough. Just enough illusion portrayed that you are still willing to be controlled but there had to be boundaries. And just like that the lies, the forceful control all started being hidden again. You had decided all you wanted was to go to work come home have a few hobbies, time to yourself, and continue to go to church so you could socialize with your parents hopefully keeping them satisfied that you were not going anywhere, and all the known but unknown family stuff would be forever forgotten. But two months later they were back at it. You gave up. There is no hope for a life without drama, control, and constant giving. A life of just being used as entertainment and duty are all the exist. No life of your own. No thoughts of your own without prior permission. The independence of a young women is nonexistence. They are not capable. Not intelligent enough to acquire the knowledge themselves. They cannot and will never be free. This is the mindset. So again, bidding time. Find something to do. Found too much to do some would say. Time on the internet and seeing not only the state your life is in but the state of the world you live in and that there seemed to be no escape from any of it…You want to leave. You plan to leave. Again, planning. Back to the plan. The first one. The one twenty-one-year-old.
From a four old’s lips and an adult man saying choose how you will do it. From a life of being told pills and slit wrists are a weak way to die. I arrived. Now here I am mid plan, knowing I am surrounded with people portraying psychopathic tendencies, for what reason does not matter right now because it will not change that psychopathic characters are a current variable, the occult and being told I am not to live. The only reason they give, the secrets. The ones that never would have been released if they had not persisted in keeping me in their lives in the first place. They failed to see it was never about what happened. It was that they would not let go. I am the paranoid one. I really think he would have. It was her. Selfishness. She had to have control of someone, but then again, she needed someone to control because she could not handle being controlled herself. To control others is their release and when being honest they have no shame. To leave them behind along with all the others is my greatest desire and here I am still knowing because of the connections introduced to me by and through the life and choices of my parents and the tactic of confusion in times of war, I will never be free. Freedom I am told is in the mind, but even there I am told who, what and how to live, talk and be. They are parasites feeding off every piece of energy and life you have. Yet here I am.
I am here.
…
And here is what I am eating this week:
Up first we have an egg, kale, and tomato casserole. This one is really one of my favorite grab and go meals that can be eaten hot or cold. Number of eggs depending on size of pan. Add some onion and garlic with whatever seasonings you prefer. I am not great at following recipes. I usually just throw whatever I have on hand with a few items I grab from the store that might go with said items.
Ready to go in a two-compartment container, I have added chia seeds with some powdered peanut butter and cocoa powder with honey to set up as a pudding. I will add a salad if I need more food that day and…
I am sure you have at some point seen rice chips made from rice paper fried in oil. I do use olive oil carefully on this one to not set the smoke alarm off. If I still want a little something before bed these will be my go-to for the next week or two. These are great with a little pink salt and nutritional yeast. The ones below have my latest popcorn seasoning mix I made. I think it had some ground flaxseed in it.
Stay safe Wednesday and be sure to love the ones that love the day. I’m good, but you know how they can be. Just kidding I love you lovey dovey people too. Who could go a day without the romantic ones, seriously, I just don’t like spending money…Wink Wink. If you tell anyone…
Don’t forget your water, that is a Valintine’s Day tip also, if you know. If you don’t, I’ll just say natural liberation if that helps. If it doesn’t…yeah, I just can’t help you.
The one I usually fail to mention The last will she broke Arose to a challenge One she couldn't do alone For I told her how to make win undone
Take the details from the room Lock the door and hide the broom Even now arrogance adds As they say rhyme and reason has no ass
As I over lap my own words from hers My memory of what triggered this is removed...
...struggle...
A want to start a new stanza as I do ...ah that voice of two that so annoys you You know the one that make you so unique Calls you out and says there is one...
Ah yes...
"that defies me" another chimes in...
As before I say again I am a writer don't come back here again For if you do my words intertwine with you and once again I'll just show the world I know how to *u**you...
...yeah that last little bit does sound better that way but come on 'others' stop bulling her...She hasn't dealt with Numbers.
She is almighty untouchable indeed... but one look at my book you can read How I the one not afraid will hunt her down, have eyes turn on her maybe not with speed but dear you already know home you won't leave
A bit of fear though dealth will come but fearless yet for a psycho you have proven to be Dear you may not run from me but deep inside you have a small fear of that crown and what it won't be
A cover will fall and she will not mourn but look behind your back for death will come
The letter of my last day It says I don't walk away
All plans I had stolen away... yes I smile and someone smirks but they already know I'm not for worse
Take it all away and find the truth I still win and it is what burns all of you
Still digging deeper to find the meaning Hidden truth and what comes up behind you
Dig and nose but it-
circles, that hide it
Never alone and never life to care Only how to get out of this-
Solitary...
as they search
Circles... ...circles...
AND AROUND WE GO
As it is edited the trigger is pulled
Steal this one too...
You know to give it a voice
Stolen personality for...
You're right it was never you
Go back look again live My life You put the puzzle in wrong order again
May 1st was 7 days ago. I remember the day that started with no toilet paper and a bill I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep. The last few weeks I have struggled with getting out one blog a week as promised. They say I can’t write and keep me from it. Those words are supposed to be a testament to my lack of sleep and improper diet. The last blog ment to sound as if I was totally in coherent. I have a draft that was supposed to be only in bullets so I would sound even more in coherent. The only thing I tire of is the people. They constantly tell me when and what to eat and to eat constantly. I have heard the same echo voices talking as I write, eat and try to be the independent person I am. The dark arts. As of late its been the connections of family to the military. I wonder if they knew or have forgotten my family ties to the military as well. When I started this part of the planning at age 26 I took in consideration the split in even what is supposed to be pure good service to the people. Honest and truthful. Some server under no harm. Yet when you are on the side were it seems ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, not intended to reference the Bible but power, greed and selfishness which is fueled by the ability to have control through the authority given to you, it appears through the actions of some the abuse of power to have money and control over one’s own life becomes more important then your reason to serve in the first place. That is ofcourse me being kind and saying your reason was to serve the people and not to have money for school.
As writing this I am being watched by ways only those who know will know. Also here these thoughts are not my own. That from the beginning I have been someone else. That is from my birth. They have this desire to talk me into a circle thus slaming into a wall by dizziness. This tells me they are speaking to people who see time in a one demintal state and if I elaborate on this I am calling these people stupid and if I don’t elaborate then I am also calling them stupid. The rock and a hard place. I must comply to being made to be whatever I appear to be to hold a structure I spoke of or sound like I have contradicted myself meaning I am a liar and/or crazy. Every type of intelligence that steps in further proves my point. You would have a cookie cutter world because it is what is normal for you and replicates you. You wish to squeeze the actual life out of living and give the people a replication and say you did well because you have control of them and have them living in peace. When in truth you’ve only inflated your own ego and imprisoned the people.
As usual this entry is vague and a bit broken. I hope one day to be able to get away from all of it and just talk about a book or recipe. *sigh* it is frustrating to have to write this way.
I heard the cheers and sounds of victory as I let another week go by and also again that I won’t write unless I’m allowed to. That’s when I heard another sound, the sound of rally. They whisper grab two of your personal journals and write as they reassessed they would watch. Ofcourse my negativity knows its not to help me but to laugh at me. Either way. The constant editing and still not have the edits take is also frustrating.
I’ve repeated yet another conversation…okay several but mostly small ones and then the long and exaughsting one. I am still very much anti people being friends. I am still running into people who want to prove a point to me. Police on speed dail. Everyone with their own agenda fulfilling there own needs. Forcing me to talk it out when that is not what I need. Trying to convince me I don’t know what I need.
Not looking forward to the summer. Not that we really had a winter. I am thinking of as much as I can to be prepared for the heat. I am putting back as much money as I can and have most of my large necessity expenses for the year behind me. The rest will have to wait till I have the money saved. I want to get in a place asap but ofcourse some one decided to vandalize my car and the battery I kept worrying about had a bad read. Seems like anytime I have money something happens to set me back. That’s real life but the law breaking and forceful and abuse being done by manipulative people who want to make some one break, bow down or to show control and power over some is not okay. Ofcourse the agruement is but that is the reality of your life and that is why you must except it. I was even told to my face the other day that they don’t want to let me up they want to keep me down. It is what it is and like I said all I really can do is call the police again and each time it happens.
When I did my budget and looked at money to save and what I am expected to pay and quite frankly willing to pay for parking, is was over 7000 dollars. That is only shy 3000 from the 10000 to put back from about 9 to 12 months rent. I looked at that for awhile before I excepted the amout and rationalized it all to the voices in my head, then moved on to the next thing to budget.
Reading a couple of books. A poetry book ofcoures and another book I had started reading on my phone but decided to go ahead and buy a tangible copy. I prefer tangible books to digital or electronic ones.
The goal of getting to the gym is not happening. People who like to assume I am too comfortable and liking living out of my car have decided to use opportunities to invade my space while I sleep. Also people who say they know me. If that was so then you would know I am a home body and love being at a home base. I NEED a home base. Then ofcoures people who think only of me ‘being’ another person completely disrespect I have a life of my own and prefer it that way and not a huge fan of being called someone else.
I failed again at getting something in by Sunday but now understand that a letter was coming through. Below is one of the last things I wrote almost twenty years ago. I held it back. If you know you know. Some drop their hints some don’t. Truth be told we are nearing the end. I hope you all good, happy and healthy lives. Thanks to the ones who helped with this one. I hate/love you.
I have lived my life ignoring others in a space I love to hate and one that has proven to hate loving me. Something that underlines all these layers that keep piling up over all my abuse, hurt and pain. The unseen is the reason I commit the so called sin I plan. This not so silent killer is aided my many voices and split down a middle of those who mind their own business and those that seek drama whether to destroy or appear helpful as angels. Mediums bent on bringing out the crys of the suicidal when in truth it is thier intrusion into private mental space that causes the intent to begin. Forced to continue being placed in these spaces because it’s where they think I want to fit in. As if I wanted to fit in any where. Together yet apart as dare I say friends and not mere carriers of work slipping me my notes as if we are at some mediphoric table. One perhaps low to the floor while Indian style set knees knock against the frame of a worn out wooden table. Old and weathered through time. The pictures they lay out for me as my now editors since tables turned seek to tell me stories but instead runs the lines as if to say we can wait till another day. There will be another day?…Will there? I sometimes wonder as my life and plans get lost in this collage of my life hidden in the blue and red hueing purple sky filled with teddy bears, pirate ships and dippers. Golden peaks rising with my fears of a lost anology among the many conversations and practiced speeches. Perhaps a art museum date or concert confusion. Was it the stage or the middle of the floor…definitely not the VIP section or really in public at all I’m sure. The sex, drugs and achohol all symbolism for the code of rolling emotions that came crashing through once this 20/20 vision came splashing through a dam of years held back due to the divination. Agruements and cover ups. Realizing the dream would never take fruition seeking another road to set my skills into motion. Every road lead me away from the life they had planned. So no road in the end was the intention.(slide that list of math symbols to me, shh keep it secret and safe) Mediocre life of quite and pretend solitude as covert narcissists ate up my time and destroying the life intended to be mine and only mine. All that money on their mind knowing I would walk away never to return and leave them alone with what they claimed was suffocation. A life time of continuing to remind others of the time wasted and the lack of respect and the to little to late care placed on the table from selfishness that said I only like you because you said you would compromise all your time for me. The constant admission that I am the problem just as many others and fitting that out across a stretch of internet conversations that will arguably be debated as to being used or to be used. Does it matter? The statements and decisions made as I interjected a few notes some personal some not. One thing I know is the connecting of dots and the problem solving I have come accustomed to that the origin seems to be ignored. The instinct and practiced critical thought processes running deep as I make my stand and leave. The judgemental stares as I follow the path through what seems like just another kind of hell trying to escape the upper side of it that has all the treats you might wish to eat. That realization all the treats aren’t real and the farther the walk the more disillusioned you become as your so called life doesn’t seem real. All the tragic endings and beautiful transformations made to save the innocence of children buying them a little more time before reality sets it. I want the children out of hell and in heaven. The ones with happy, healthy, well rounded utopian parents who have never had a broken relationship due to hurtful and harmful situations. For with them we would duplicate that in the same happy, healthy and well rounded utopian people in a rainbow colored world. The air seems thick with contextual emotions of reeling thought patterns motivated by intoxication but in reality it’s just another letter to my self that I put back that took time to lay out and plan. Having its own notes tied in. Now it’s just playing back as my time crunch screams you have little time for sleep and no time for hidden thoughts and cascading notes to write and throw to oceans and retrieve bottles of the same. No dancing, no parties, no more the life of the female Forest role even though the story goes you are the girl barely stepping back off the edge to run from the room. Note after note amongst so many sheets and yet all you were intended to be was just another lieing, crazy and lost little girl. They tried to stop me, he was about a week to late, figured it out when the comma took place. Instructions to write and my reply I already have and you decided to do it again trying to prove something I’m still not sure what. But again I stopped because of the ideas of others. As if I didn’t recognize my own face in the mirror. As if I hadn’t lived my own life. As if I couldn’t take the time to construct my own words. I touched it. I did. I regret and I don’t. As always both. On one side I am as purified as white gold on the other as dark as the most smoldering hot metal. Yet seeing nothing but diamonds in the sky and understanding this life was the only one I’d have, this life I lived in my mind. Divination by your hand stole it. Science by its own system saved me as voices reached out. The Supernatural shakes its head and I still have yet to figure what exactly her whisper said. The dark room and that screen was the time I knew my life…life would never reach past it for I am nothing but “a full blown loon” just as one says quietly another not knowing stakes the claim they make me as crazy as the moon. I laugh for I was born into what you call crazy I have been digging a way out but the longer I surveyed the area the more I realized it seems I’m camouflaged and unseen. With a Boo and a silent weapon just waiting for trip five and having that bang ending bullet to the brain. I don’t care what you believe I was there and felt every touch you left on me till baracaded doors were my only escape and you still found a way to take even my own work away. Inscribed and inbeded in time you just can’t except it I have found a way every time and I don’t care who knows it. Personal journals taken away and made a public display. Forced to put it out the for others to poke fun and humiliate. The nightmare that isn’t a nightmare but very real. “Oh the crys of the over dramatic, that is what they will say once I get her moved away.” Just another enemy in my way.
They lie to you You know Tell you things untrue Things just to instigate you They want to separate Divide Control is what they crave Start a fight Fill you with lies Be everything you lean on Mind control Doll creation mode Andriod for an asswhole And what made me so The truth Gratitude and Gratefulness You say in return for abuse I've been nothing but thankful Appreciative for surviving you Coming this far Living through your manipulation Conscious and subconscious seperation Be able to ware but not aware Do as we say it's not a mistake Oops didn't mean to cause a wheeze Don't take a breathe it's time to leave Still walking you out Just a reminder We KNOW we have you figured out But we are murders Don't give a *u** Get out
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