There are four things in this world that are Powerful. The fourth is only made powerful by commodity which was only chosen to raise a man to power so he could be the ultimate power. These four things are: Knowledge with Understanding, Love and Money.
Answering the question of whether I believe in God is the most difficult question of my entire life. I had to break down my thoughts on Love to help explain why I believe in the idea of God the way I do. Why I still will not answer that question straightforwardly is something I will try to explain in more depth.
I came from a Christian background and use many of its teachings to describe my belief system. I believe in seasons and there is a time for everything. From peace to war. (Ecclesiastes 3 1‑8) I have stated I believe in the betterment of the people and the survival of the human race preferably without a reset. Kindness, respect, and compassion are ways of showing Love to each other which helps us with our day-by-day mental health. Alot of our stress can be solved when we deal with what is within us and learn how to navigate our own psychological make up.
I do not like answering the questions of deities. The do you believe in God. Of course, I believe in the idea of God as I believe in Love. My only response is
which came first. I believe the actions of Love before it was a word which became personified and labeled as unconditional. A being that is always with us so even isolated we are never alone. A singular embodiment of the highest Power. The question for me is what or who truly is above all layers of reality and who or what stands outside the Universes. A knowledge and understanding I typically put aside for another day. We are and it is what it is. We live, breathe, and have many things and people to give thanks to and for. Simplify, no need to focus on complexities in day-to-day life.
Who does not like the idea of someone who will always be there when you need them? Someone who fights for you and will unconditionally love you. You can do absolutely nothing to separate you from them or their love. But it is an idea, nonetheless. One to help you through a dark and cold night.
I am everything and yet nothing When I’m happy I feel myself When my feelings turn dark I become a decision A decision to continue Seek positivity in the difficult times when negativity seems to rule See I am everything when I am moving in grace, sharing, embracing – the light in a room I am nothing if I am not truthful, faithful and putting effort into forgiving – the dark damp negativity that sinks your gut I am thoughtful by showing kindness and patience when speaking and showing others my perspective, my opinions and my beliefs . I seek not to harm others but to uplift them in dark times. Doing my best to be respectful with boundaries both theirs and mine. To truly understand the personification of a higher Power or the concepts of God as set forth in scripture as a father, friend, partner, ruler, king, the I Am, is
not just to read of a deity and to worship their acts and praise their ways. It says to be like Christ. It says Jesus came not to change the Law but to complete it. The Ten Commandments can be summed up by His teachings, to have Love for one another. The scripture also states to be like Christ and that God IS Love. To be like Him is to be Love. To have and show the characteristics of Love. The footsteps set forth by those who came before us, the thoughts and teaching turned descriptive, which became the philosophies which brought about a culture.
To dare to challenge that culture to progress beyond bigotry, hatefulness, racism and help a society mature beyond the negativity that grows in such an atmosphere.
To practice peace, mindfulness, respect, and Love is my belief. To show and be Love.
To be both gentle and tough as Love is described by the lives of the judges, profits, teachers, and Jesus himself.
Love can conquer but only through the hands and feet of those who truly follow Its ways.
Love is my Higher Power. It tells me how I am to survive. I desire to be Love, show it, and prosper through life not with material items but an understanding we are all connected to one another and affect each other on a subconscious level without forgetting we are individuals.
As thought turns to culture, I also use people, places, and things around me as descriptions at hand to describe my beliefs.
I believe to love is to be Love.
My trouble for a Love Reference, to be labeled a Christian when I do not believe everything a Christian stands for and therefore labeled a hypocrite as well. Outcast by both sides for I stand for nothing, so they say
Tag: habits
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Trouble for a Love Reference: God is Love
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To Lie or Not to Lie, Healthy vs Unhealthy Love
Our current society has taught us we can no longer take a man at his word. As soon as we turn our backs we will be stepped on and climbed over by someone else trying to survive and get to the top. We have made each other steppingstones to the other side. The side that proves we are successful, independent, and self-sufficient. Yep, the other side of the fence with greener grass. The only way to success is to lie our way there. Whether in business or
personal we get what we need and want from others by way of lying. Even little white lies that keep us safe as we tip toe through the field of life. Lies told to manipulate situations purely for personal gain. The lies we give in response to the questions that we wish others had never asked us. We lie to protect others. We lie to protect ourselves. We have learned over time that lying is a form of Love but lying is lethal to all relationships and friendships. Even a white lie as small as it is, can chip away at Love and our trust in others. This dishonesty keeps us from showing Love to our neighbors. True and honest Love is trustworthy. Honest Love is worth a person’s Loyalty. Honesty it a vital part of Love. Honest Love can be terrifying. Allowing someone to love us with an honest and pure heart is difficult when it is about something that makes us feel like we need to change. When we choose to let someone in and give us their opinion, we tend to allow an opinion to become more than just an opinion. We let that person dictate who we are and how we should make our choices. We open ourselves up to feelings of rejection which can make us want to close ourselves off from the person offering Honest Love to us. Being on the giving end of Honest Love is just as scary. We risk offending the person we love by giving them our honest opinion. So instead, we lie to make someone feel better and make things easier on ourselves. We also lie to ourselves and say our lying is for the best because it does not hurt anyone or anything. We avoid telling the Truth, so we do not have to deal with messy situations involving negative emotions. Lies are a false sense of safety. Lies are an unhealthy action and not a pure or honest form of Love. Being Honest in showing Love is what makes Love feel personal. It is a big part of why showing it gives a person a religious label or even one of unprofessionalism. We are taught Honest Love has no place outside of family and friends. Following this belief can cause us to feel as if we are split in two and not allowed to be whole within because we are constantly having to switch back and forth between being loving with family and friends and being loveless with people outside our circle. We are taught Love is only deserving of showing action as a response to feeling emotion. A chink in our armor; a
weakness. To Love people who do not care about us is stupid. Or that to Love someone is to like them. Most believe if you show Love to someone it means you want to be friends with them or make them apart of your family. Some would say you have to meet certain requirements to reach a level where you gain someone’s Love or an I Love you because we have the same interest mentality. Honest Love is not conditional nor is it situational. It is a decision to make an effort towards being sincere, respectful, and tactful with all people at all times. I think the most important part of giving and receiving Love in Honesty is staying away from assumptions and leaning into opinions. The acceptance of an opinion being just a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge is significant. Of course, facts are facts and are definitely important but not as important as making sure to convey those facts with tactfulness. When we feel our opinion should be taken as more than an opinion and have a tough time letting go and letting the other person take what they need from the conversation we risk communicating Love in an unhealthy way. It can cause conflict between both parties. It communicates that someone is right and someone wrong prematurely in the conversation. “That’s when the fight started.,” as they say. Honest Love takes work which is why it is an action. It says you are worth the time to be honest too. Honest Love says not only do I Love you enough to open myself up to the possible rejection of my opinion, but I also Love both of us enough not to take it personally if you do reject me or my opinion. It is an opportunity to show Love by allowing us to be who we are without judgment. Showing this respect to one another is a form of Love.
Transformation Love Part 1, Perspective of Positivity
late Middle English: from Latin perception (n), from the verb percipere ‘seize, understand’ (see perceive).
Perception is the main key when opening the other side of Love. Having a negative perspective of what the other person is trying to communicate is the biggest part of why we try to eliminate the word Love and choose to call it hate. Perception can lead us through a door to a room of rejection or it can lead us through a door to a room of transformation. I have heard several sayings about opinions. Whether they are like arm pits or butts, some stink. However, when dealing with other people it is important to maintain an attitude of them being neither right nor wrong. We all have our
own experiences, and those experiences came from personal situations. Some situations can be resolved in more than one way. To allow an argument to evolve into a communication breakdown because someone will not do things your way is not the best attitude to have and can breed negativity in your heart and mind that makes it difficult to have healthy mental health. Do not let someone stress you just because they think what they do is better than you. In my experience when I keep an open mind, I have actually learned new ways to do things. Sometimes my way works better in one situation but in another situation what I learned from another person might actually work even better than what I would normally have done. Having an attitude of comrades is more rewarding as a whole than discord and disruption. Ofcourse there are always evil spirited people who get gratification from bullying people. It can be difficult to stay positive and not allow their attitude to affect you sometimes, but keeping an open mind and not making assumptions is like a shield when having to deal with these personalities. By removing their intentional hurtful words and maintaining a mindset of not taking what they say personally is a backfire on their attempts to gaslight you. Always remember these people really do just seek to get a reaction out of you. Sometimes it is because of pure jealousy that you do not react to their attempts but instead respond out of Love by choosing to except their behavior as a part of their character and who they are without judgment. By not allowing them to draw you into their world and making you someone they can get attention from, because that is the intent of evil spirited people, you are letting them know it is safe to be who they are, childhood scars and all. When these people are in your life it is of the utmost importance to never vocalize their insecurities in front of others. You are feeding them and their hurt by allowing this to be socially acceptable behavior. These people may never heal, they may never change their negative ways but given time I have found they will learn your boundaries and test them, but you are also the person they will want to go to when they are feeling unsafe emotionally. Hurt people hurt people and what happens is a vicious cycle of a fight fire with fire mentally that only leads to the destruction of our moral and mental health on
the grand scale. Think about the depression rates and how we have been taught the way to climb the latter of success. You cannot succeed in less you have stepped on someone. As the constant gaslighting and reacting grows the negativity grows inside us making our insecurities worse. A narcissist, bully and emotionally insecure person is an expert as hitting you where you hurt, why because they know their own insecurities. This is why not taking people and their opinions personally is so important. You can protect yourself and by choosing to respond out of Love instead of reacting you can help by not only putting someone on a lifelong healing path but transform your own world and your space into a positive and healthy environment bettering your mental health and allowing growth as you heal too. Walking away from negative people is sometimes the only way you can move on from a situation and unfortunately allowing them to think they are right is the only way you can show them Love. Let them be right without it affecting you in a personal way. Let them know your boundaries and when they test them walk away. You are not hurting them by doing this, remember you are showing selfish love, and they hate you for it. They will hate you for accepting them and the very fact you are allowing them to feel their feelings. But you can help change this person’s need for negative attention into a need for positive attention. Their need does not change. But they will see your boundaries and might transform in a way that allows you to show them a positive kind of attention. When this does not work the only thing, you can do is not allow them into your world. Not every battle is worth fighting for. This does not mean they are not worth the time it means you are not the right one to give them what they need.
An opinion can say a lot about a person. When we can look at someone’s opinion objectively, we give them the space to share their Honest Love. This allows them to give you their thoughts and feelings without the fear of you rejecting their opinion. When sharing your own thoughts and feelings in reply they should also receive them objectively. Being able to agree to disagree is important when sharing Honest Love with each other. This allows us a safe space to be ourselves even if it means we each move to our own space. Taking the time to understand one another, respecting our differences, and accepting
them without expectations of changing one another is a form of showing Love to your neighbors. They may walk away and think you are crazy, and you may walk away with the same impression. Without engaging in offensive, mean spirited or forceful conversation one can look back on the event whether they consider the other side and become persuaded or simply take knowledge from learning more about a person’s point of view strengthening their own. Learning from each other in a Loving and respectful way allows for Love and positivity to grow there by making us stronger in times when it seems all rationality has left the situation. Keeping a positive outlook and not making assumptions or taking people’s opinions personally is key when showing Honest Love with each other. Practicing a perspective of positivity in our interactions with each other can have the power to transform our relationships and friendships into safe places to be ourselves giving way to growth within ourselves and with each other.
Trouble for a Love Reference: Transformation Love Part 2, Criticism
We all know about the feel goods, if you will, about Love. How often are the reminders of what it means to love with truth and honesty? Lovingly accepting criticism that is given out of sincere love. Do we in sincerity give criticism from a loving place?
There are several kinds of criticism including factual. Talking about the facts of a situation can be even more difficult than being critical from an opinion standpoint. When you approach a situation which has undeniable facts, and you are unkind and lack an understanding of Love, by using constructive criticism you can do more harm to a friendship or relationship and can even destroy one. I like to remember the catchy phrase, “Just because it is fact doesn’t mean you should lack tack.” Taking the time to evaluate the situation and find the right words is an opportunity to show someone I have taken the time to think through the emotions and want to communicate myself without deliberately hurting your feelings. Taking the time to be tactful and kind in your conversation is a way of showing Love to your neighbor.
Having thoughtful discussions when talking about difficult subjects or events is more effective than bombarding someone without taking their needs into consideration. When we go into a conversation reacting to just emotions it can turn one sided very quickly. The other party may shut down. A person comfortable with confrontation may bounce back fine by becoming argumentized. If you are a person who can handle such reactions both of you can walk away without a second thought and the changes be made, then it says something about each of your personalities. Knowing each other in this way is still having an understanding of how you each communicate. However, some people need more time to evaluate themselves and find acceptance with a positive prospective and proceed with a good attitude. Not only should a conversation be more planned out just based on different personalities but because the whole story may not be known. Sometimes if we can slow a conversation down long enough to evaluate not just the fact something occurred the way it did but how and why it happened, and light can be shed on a situation, and you may find the facts presented to you may not have been all the facts. Response vs reaction is important when trying to make needed changes. Remaining kind and thoughtful in these situations, choosing to respond out of these acts of Love and not reacting to just thoughtless assumptions or pure emotion can be much more effective in making changes or transformations. Taking the time to have thoughtful discussions can open a much bigger picture and allow for more clarity.
Sometimes when we are on the receiving end of a tough conversation, we are put in a situation we did not see coming. We can be surprised and not be sure what our next words should be. Not knowing what to say is okay. Taking time to respond vs react is okay. Do not let someone try to force or massage an answer out of you. Being bullied to believe you must respond immediately or be labeled a liar and untrustworthy can be used against you and leave you feeling overwhelmed and emotional causing a quick and possibly negative or incomplete and inaccurate account of events. Beware of gas lighters who use these tactics to get the answers they want and need from you to benefit their agendas. Do not be afraid to be the one to slow the conversation down. Of
course, understanding slowing a conversation down as a tactic to confuse the other party or allow for dishonest thoughts to surface is always a concern, but do not let it keep you from taking the time to respond and not just react. In time, if we really want to be thoughtful and positive, not just for others but for our own mental health, we will learn how to communicate more efficiently with other personality types and not just our own. Having this knowledge and having patience in conversation allows for an easier and more gentle transition during times of tough changes. Showing thoughtfulness and having patience is a form of Love.
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Trouble for a Love Reference: When is Selfish Love Okay
Everyone loves the feeling and the thoughts of being loved. Even if there is only one person you desire it from, you need love from that person. I am sure there are secluded hermits who would swear they do not, but we are not theorizing their reasons for disagreeing with my statement today. There is a deep-rooted need in us to have love from others. It says we are doing something right and tells us we are accepted. It helps us know we are appreciated. We know when we are loved we do not have to do anything on our own, we choose to. Love tells us we are free to be ourselves. Being loved can help us have a more fulfilling life because it is helpful in staying happy and positive. These are reasons we seek love. Some expect love because they give it and some from a place of ego that tells them they are worthy of it. Whatever the case, they only want positive thoughts and feelings coming their way with little thought to the other person’s same need. Love then becomes selfish.
Is there a time for selfish love? What if I said there was? What would it look like? I personally hate feeling selfish or feeling like I must be selfish. I am someone who believes in giving without exception. It is a choice without ulterior motive. I hesitate to do something for someone because I might gain something in return and in my mind make my action null and void. It becomes a transaction, a deal if you will. Which transaction is fine in certain situations, and this is what helps me move forward past my own hesitation. Yet, when in these certain situations I overdo it because I am trying to communicate, I do not actually care if I receive anything for my action. For me it can make some relationships and friendships difficult. I sometimes find it hard to see the line between a healthy selfishness and an unhealthy selfishness. There once was a time I could not even fathom selfishness was a form of love. If you understand anything about narcissism you know this thought process is one that can be a result and sign of being affected by a narcissist. I had to realize, first I was in a relationship with one and second, the narcissist only believes you are a selfish person. What they do is not selfish. Any attempt to have boundaries that affect them, and their needs and desires is a selfish act on your part, not you are having your own life. Your life and decisions are to revolve around theirs. They need to be the center of someone’s world. They use selfish love in an unhealthy way. I am not going to be using the dictionary for the word Love during this post. There are good examples and very useful definitions for it, but I am trying to open up conversation about the uncomfortable kind of Love. By looking at some examples and situations that show up and are evidence of a difficult side to Love, the side we want to eliminate. So let us go ahead and look at the definitions for ‘selfish’ before we move on. Today I will use http://www.merriam-webster.com definitions. Definition of selfish, adjective
1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others 2: arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others Exp. a selfish act
3: being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known function.
Exp. selfish DNA
also : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication.
Exp. selfish genes
The definitions are seen and understood to be purely negative. I must admit I still have a challenging time trying to communicate what I mean by positive selfishness mostly because I have been in a narcissistic relationship, and I have drawn my definition from pieces of that relationship and therefore my answer can seem to come from a narcissists’ lips. Others translate what I mean to the word self-care. To be aware of one’s abuse and to set healthy boundaries by shutting down the narcissists’ attempt to drain your energy is perceived by the narcissists as you being the selfish person in the relationship or friendship. Since I was in a situation of being surrounded by multiple narcissists my situation was compounded due to the characteristics that one has which is to make you feel and look like you truly are the only narcissists in the room. This is still something I battle. With the knowledge that a narcissists will set fake boundaries and the mind games played to place blame and gaslight just to gain and keep your attention on them, I am in a mental battle of are my boundaries real and I am usually frustrated because writing about my life and experiences are perceived as me just trying to gain attention. This is one reason I struggle to write. To me healthy selfishness is saying no when you need to say no. Not because
you are trying to get a reaction from someone or to deliberately hurt or harm them. It is not testing someone to see if they care about you. It is taking time to think and care about yourself and your mental health, but not in an egotistical form that is used to throw in another’s face how well you are at setting your own boundaries. A healthy selfishness says I am taking time for myself so I can recharge not seclude myself to see who comes looking for me. Healthy selfishness can even look like walking away from a situation that you know will drain you and leave you in an unhealthy mental state. Many would say these things are not selfish behavior but due to my experience and my current attempts to leave my situation I choose to use this term to define it separately from self-care due to the personal importance of taking the time for my own mental health and healing by awareness. If you have ever been in the same situation and/or studied narcissistic behavior, you understand this form of communication. So whether you call it self-care or healthy selfishness it is the foundation of mental health. It can seem negative or hateful when we are the ones being told no at a time when we feel we need someone the most. This is when being selfish or practicing self-care is a vital part of Love. Growth in selfless love and maintaining your own mental health says I can recharge myself and do not have to have attention or acceptance of others, it just feels nice sometimes to be appreciated by someone outside of your own self love and self-acceptance.
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Trouble for a Love Reference: What is Love
Love. When this word is spoken things like kindness, giving, compassion, companionship, relationship, and deep emotions of devotion are positive things that come to mind for most people. Love is not just words but actions. Having Love or the lack of it can help define a person’s character. Love given with an understanding of it can soften the hardest of hearts. Love is not religious. Love is community. Love is when people get along while embracing each other’s differences. A mutual respect and acceptance of each individual’s place of maturity no matter the stage of their own personal growth. This is where patience becomes a vital part of Love. Words like safety, trust, honesty, and pain come to my mind when talking about Love. Also having to say no or having to accept the word no. The word selflessness is considered a given when using the word yet more often than not we think well, what about me? When it comes to honesty we do not want to think about or include anything that can be perceived to be negative or cause us to think or feel we have been rejected for being who we are for this is not Love, this is hate because it makes us hurt or feel bad. We would rather have someone lie to us than tell us we are wrong or give us ideas on how to help us grow in a way or area that would make our lives easier. Anything that requires us to change or adapt in a situation that makes us feel uncomfortable. We would also rather lie to others for the same reason, avoidance of feeling rejected. For a simple example, whether you are on the giving or receiving end, speaking with your friend, spouse, or family member about a suggestion on how make changes to reduce stress levels to better their mental and physical health. Once we lie to protect our feelings or theirs, trust becomes questionable. Words spoken harshly or in a disrespectful manner saying it is out of Love not only causes pain but feelings of being unsafe emotionally with that person. We no longer feel we can trust them when we are vulnerable.
To study Love in other religions is of great interest to me even though I do not believe you should show Love just because religion says you should. I have a theory that Love is a pillar that was in the center of the first set of principles requested of people from the beginning to practice. The first persuasion to keep peace among the tribe. An act and law to follow for survival’s sake. I have also read a book that explains how once a population exceeds the community’s local resources Love is tossed out the window. Games and rituals are performed to the death. Whole civilizations brought down from within due to fighting amongst Rulers and those who want to overthrow Rulers. Rulers who have sent out whole families to new areas because there was not room within the city to grow, instead of allowing death battles. The decisions made by these Rulers intrigue me. Why did they make the choices they made? Did Love have an impact on their decisions or Fear? History and how we have grown is important to what Love is about. Stay with me over the next few weeks as I hope to be able explain in the next few blogs as to why.
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The Hurry Up and Wait
Plans in motion. Always watching the ticking clock slow as the plans unfold and as it speeds back up right as the next turn comes in the road making another quick execution for the curve.
Hurry up and wait. A term I have heard and used during my life. Its knowing where your check is going on Friday and its only Monday. Know what needs done but having to wait for the process of what happens before you get to the exact time you can fulfill and complete the required tasks for said need. It is usually slow, restless and stressful. Especially when the patterns of behavior proven my people bent on your distruction say they are determined to change your course as punishment for making plans. Knowing this you stay in a perpetual state of planning. If not an avid planner then all the more bitter you become. Those who are avid planners driven crazy because a plan can’t be completed. The person bent on the destruction doing anything to self sooth as if you could actually say that since the named self soother is knawing and teething on the person they wish to destroy for their own comfort and satisfaction. Like a pacifier in the hands of a child who can’t handle not having the security provided by it, I have always seen these people as children. Some babies and some head strong teenagers who hate being referred to as children for they are grown adults. These are the one who love to gaslight and say I am as they are because I won’t allow and protect the culture they wish to force on me as a way of controlling me and fulfilling their own selfish needs.
The hurry up and wait is mind exhausting but not anymore then any other day. Patience is key and I have good days and bad days with Patience. It is more family then friend. As my family has proven to be sometimes Patience is with me. It betrays and leaves me alone after exhausting me. Only coming back around if I work at befriending it admitting I lost my way and am nothing without its hand. Patience is a word personified to guide me back to a place of accepting that I need Patience but Patience doesn’t need me. The gaslighting will forever be with me. They sit and wait for me to be alone to come in and continue to prove I have no escape from them or the power they wield.
Words from another point of hurry up and wait. The meeting point on a line that says I can and will not just steal your physical identity but your very soul and all the thoughts ideas and work across time. Funny how they missed it yet again as watching this person who always appears to be alone. Even more funny how actually alone I am even though I am surrounded by the possessive people who claim me for their own selfishness. Just hysterical as they meet and welcome eachother. As usual all I can do is sit and watch this display. Its all I can do. The elephant who had to be rechained because he was coaxed from his imaginary box. From the same lips on a different day portrayed as the dog who does forget and runs only to be choked by the chain keeping him in the yard. The time is closing in only to have more of it unwinded again.
Hurry. Wait. Tick. Tick. Tick. No rest is what they said just days ago. A promise of yet another sabotage. Called bumps in the road ment to make me stronger. A facade to mask their true intent.
Routines in hurry up and wait mis construed as aiding restlessness and cause for disruption. No routine for they watch and wait to attack an excuse or convenient truth. Either way the routine must be broken so to appear helpful as routines point out weakness. The joy found in twisting and using one’s words in and out of context for the benefit of one’s self while harming the one you hate. The one who you say you don’t need a reason to hate.
Many personal things not needed to be spoken used to further humiliate the all ready broken. Its the hurry up and wait I am most familiar with. And its here I continue on watching them watch me.
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A Little Over
May 1st was 7 days ago. I remember the day that started with no toilet paper and a bill I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep. The last few weeks I have struggled with getting out one blog a week as promised. They say I can’t write and keep me from it. Those words are supposed to be a testament to my lack of sleep and improper diet. The last blog ment to sound as if I was totally in coherent. I have a draft that was supposed to be only in bullets so I would sound even more in coherent. The only thing I tire of is the people. They constantly tell me when and what to eat and to eat constantly. I have heard the same echo voices talking as I write, eat and try to be the independent person I am. The dark arts. As of late its been the connections of family to the military. I wonder if they knew or have forgotten my family ties to the military as well. When I started this part of the planning at age 26 I took in consideration the split in even what is supposed to be pure good service to the people. Honest and truthful. Some server under no harm. Yet when you are on the side were it seems ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, not intended to reference the Bible but power, greed and selfishness which is fueled by the ability to have control through the authority given to you, it appears through the actions of some the abuse of power to have money and control over one’s own life becomes more important then your reason to serve in the first place. That is ofcourse me being kind and saying your reason was to serve the people and not to have money for school.
As writing this I am being watched by ways only those who know will know. Also here these thoughts are not my own. That from the beginning I have been someone else. That is from my birth. They have this desire to talk me into a circle thus slaming into a wall by dizziness. This tells me they are speaking to people who see time in a one demintal state and if I elaborate on this I am calling these people stupid and if I don’t elaborate then I am also calling them stupid. The rock and a hard place. I must comply to being made to be whatever I appear to be to hold a structure I spoke of or sound like I have contradicted myself meaning I am a liar and/or crazy. Every type of intelligence that steps in further proves my point. You would have a cookie cutter world because it is what is normal for you and replicates you. You wish to squeeze the actual life out of living and give the people a replication and say you did well because you have control of them and have them living in peace. When in truth you’ve only inflated your own ego and imprisoned the people.
As usual this entry is vague and a bit broken. I hope one day to be able to get away from all of it and just talk about a book or recipe. *sigh* it is frustrating to have to write this way.
Kimberly 8:08pm 5/7/23
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The Circle and Echos are Real
As writing the title I heard the people from last week who practice divination by whatever name of their choosing decided to talk about while I was busy with my head down. I woke up today after another frightful sleep of yelling about sexual assault in my dreams. I am constantly tormented in my sleep about my life. Currently my left arm is palputating while a voice tries to keep me from writing. This same palpitation is what was happening to me as I awoke from a very unnerving dream.
I read some post from my memories on Facebook and thought wow still tried so hard to hide but hated myself for it. I didn’t know how to deal with being made to say I was Christian, but always tried to explain my way around the belief and still maintain as much truth and being as honest to myself as possible.
Still struggling with writing due to many falling into the occult tricks and/or just wanting to treat me as a child. I know one reason is because someone wants me to only post on Mondays and not Sundays and has chosen to harrassment and abuse to say i can’t write in order to pressure or force me to do what they want. They are incredibly selfish and a person I want removed from my life.
I am so tired and hopefully 10 very painful steps away from my own place. They abuse hasn’t stopped, the have just found other ways to do it and to do it covertly. People only want to blame you for your response to them and their actions and never take responsibility for what they did to initiate the response from you.
Verbal communication is forsaken due to the knowing of the lack of importance or reasonableness behind the actions of force, abuse, manipulation and those seeking power out of insecurities of needing to look or feel useful. Gaslighting and fire starting are also tactics used by those who don’t feel they are appreciated or needed which are just insecurities of those who think a boss is better then a leader.
43 years tomorrow.
Kimberly 9:04pm 4/30/23
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Unfinished
I heard the cheers and sounds of victory as I let another week go by and also again that I won’t write unless I’m allowed to. That’s when I heard another sound, the sound of rally. They whisper grab two of your personal journals and write as they reassessed they would watch. Ofcourse my negativity knows its not to help me but to laugh at me. Either way. The constant editing and still not have the edits take is also frustrating.
I’ve repeated yet another conversation…okay several but mostly small ones and then the long and exaughsting one. I am still very much anti people being friends. I am still running into people who want to prove a point to me. Police on speed dail. Everyone with their own agenda fulfilling there own needs. Forcing me to talk it out when that is not what I need. Trying to convince me I don’t know what I need.
Not looking forward to the summer. Not that we really had a winter. I am thinking of as much as I can to be prepared for the heat. I am putting back as much money as I can and have most of my large necessity expenses for the year behind me. The rest will have to wait till I have the money saved. I want to get in a place asap but ofcourse some one decided to vandalize my car and the battery I kept worrying about had a bad read. Seems like anytime I have money something happens to set me back. That’s real life but the law breaking and forceful and abuse being done by manipulative people who want to make some one break, bow down or to show control and power over some is not okay. Ofcourse the agruement is but that is the reality of your life and that is why you must except it. I was even told to my face the other day that they don’t want to let me up they want to keep me down. It is what it is and like I said all I really can do is call the police again and each time it happens.
When I did my budget and looked at money to save and what I am expected to pay and quite frankly willing to pay for parking, is was over 7000 dollars. That is only shy 3000 from the 10000 to put back from about 9 to 12 months rent. I looked at that for awhile before I excepted the amout and rationalized it all to the voices in my head, then moved on to the next thing to budget.
Reading a couple of books. A poetry book ofcoures and another book I had started reading on my phone but decided to go ahead and buy a tangible copy. I prefer tangible books to digital or electronic ones.
The goal of getting to the gym is not happening. People who like to assume I am too comfortable and liking living out of my car have decided to use opportunities to invade my space while I sleep. Also people who say they know me. If that was so then you would know I am a home body and love being at a home base. I NEED a home base. Then ofcoures people who think only of me ‘being’ another person completely disrespect I have a life of my own and prefer it that way and not a huge fan of being called someone else.
Personal space. It is important.
Kimberly 6:52 4/15/23
Edited
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Bad Week, Subconscious Desire a Weak Excuse
I failed again at getting something in by Sunday but now understand that a letter was coming through. Below is one of the last things I wrote almost twenty years ago. I held it back. If you know you know. Some drop their hints some don’t. Truth be told we are nearing the end. I hope you all good, happy and healthy lives. Thanks to the ones who helped with this one. I hate/love you.
I have lived my life ignoring others in a space I love to hate and one that has proven to hate loving me. Something that underlines all these layers that keep piling up over all my abuse, hurt and pain. The unseen is the reason I commit the so called sin I plan. This not so silent killer is aided my many voices and split down a middle of those who mind their own business and those that seek drama whether to destroy or appear helpful as angels. Mediums bent on bringing out the crys of the suicidal when in truth it is thier intrusion into private mental space that causes the intent to begin. Forced to continue being placed in these spaces because it’s where they think I want to fit in. As if I wanted to fit in any where. Together yet apart as dare I say friends and not mere carriers of work slipping me my notes as if we are at some mediphoric table. One perhaps low to the floor while Indian style set knees knock against the frame of a worn out wooden table. Old and weathered through time. The pictures they lay out for me as my now editors since tables turned seek to tell me stories but instead runs the lines as if to say we can wait till another day. There will be another day?…Will there? I sometimes wonder as my life and plans get lost in this collage of my life hidden in the blue and red hueing purple sky filled with teddy bears, pirate ships and dippers. Golden peaks rising with my fears of a lost anology among the many conversations and practiced speeches. Perhaps a art museum date or concert confusion. Was it the stage or the middle of the floor…definitely not the VIP section or really in public at all I’m sure. The sex, drugs and achohol all symbolism for the code of rolling emotions that came crashing through once this 20/20 vision came splashing through a dam of years held back due to the divination. Agruements and cover ups. Realizing the dream would never take fruition seeking another road to set my skills into motion. Every road lead me away from the life they had planned. So no road in the end was the intention.(slide that list of math symbols to me, shh keep it secret and safe) Mediocre life of quite and pretend solitude as covert narcissists ate up my time and destroying the life intended to be mine and only mine. All that money on their mind knowing I would walk away never to return and leave them alone with what they claimed was suffocation. A life time of continuing to remind others of the time wasted and the lack of respect and the to little to late care placed on the table from selfishness that said I only like you because you said you would compromise all your time for me. The constant admission that I am the problem just as many others and fitting that out across a stretch of internet conversations that will arguably be debated as to being used or to be used. Does it matter? The statements and decisions made as I interjected a few notes some personal some not. One thing I know is the connecting of dots and the problem solving I have come accustomed to that the origin seems to be ignored. The instinct and practiced critical thought processes running deep as I make my stand and leave. The judgemental stares as I follow the path through what seems like just another kind of hell trying to escape the upper side of it that has all the treats you might wish to eat. That realization all the treats aren’t real and the farther the walk the more disillusioned you become as your so called life doesn’t seem real. All the tragic endings and beautiful transformations made to save the innocence of children buying them a little more time before reality sets it. I want the children out of hell and in heaven. The ones with happy, healthy, well rounded utopian parents who have never had a broken relationship due to hurtful and harmful situations. For with them we would duplicate that in the same happy, healthy and well rounded utopian people in a rainbow colored world. The air seems thick with contextual emotions of reeling thought patterns motivated by intoxication but in reality it’s just another letter to my self that I put back that took time to lay out and plan. Having its own notes tied in. Now it’s just playing back as my time crunch screams you have little time for sleep and no time for hidden thoughts and cascading notes to write and throw to oceans and retrieve bottles of the same. No dancing, no parties, no more the life of the female Forest role even though the story goes you are the girl barely stepping back off the edge to run from the room. Note after note amongst so many sheets and yet all you were intended to be was just another lieing, crazy and lost little girl. They tried to stop me, he was about a week to late, figured it out when the comma took place. Instructions to write and my reply I already have and you decided to do it again trying to prove something I’m still not sure what. But again I stopped because of the ideas of others. As if I didn’t recognize my own face in the mirror. As if I hadn’t lived my own life. As if I couldn’t take the time to construct my own words. I touched it. I did. I regret and I don’t. As always both. On one side I am as purified as white gold on the other as dark as the most smoldering hot metal. Yet seeing nothing but diamonds in the sky and understanding this life was the only one I’d have, this life I lived in my mind. Divination by your hand stole it. Science by its own system saved me as voices reached out. The Supernatural shakes its head and I still have yet to figure what exactly her whisper said. The dark room and that screen was the time I knew my life…life would never reach past it for I am nothing but “a full blown loon” just as one says quietly another not knowing stakes the claim they make me as crazy as the moon. I laugh for I was born into what you call crazy I have been digging a way out but the longer I surveyed the area the more I realized it seems I’m camouflaged and unseen. With a Boo and a silent weapon just waiting for trip five and having that bang ending bullet to the brain. I don’t care what you believe I was there and felt every touch you left on me till baracaded doors were my only escape and you still found a way to take even my own work away. Inscribed and inbeded in time you just can’t except it I have found a way every time and I don’t care who knows it. Personal journals taken away and made a public display. Forced to put it out the for others to poke fun and humiliate. The nightmare that isn’t a nightmare but very real. “Oh the crys of the over dramatic, that is what they will say once I get her moved away.” Just another enemy in my way.
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Update: Thoughts I Hold Till the Right Day, Today
Repeat. I post the same pics. Not personal pics but pics I find so funny I can’t help not laugh every time I see them. I’ve been judged for it before. Some say I don’t remember doing it before and believe it is my first time and not aware.
They say come out of your room. Ofcourse I am informed that is my placement prior to this comment. It happens more then once and I am to say I am gay…or a liar perhaps…anything they want to put in my mouth and have it come back out. If I don’t comply then a punishment, more sleep deprivation, brain washing and repeating the same things till I meet their expectations.
To experience telling the truth and have people call you a liar. Ofcourse I am informed of the knowing my every move from needing to urinate to documenting my abuse. The childish attempts to the adult sarcastic remarks communicating the understanding of the situation. I admit I get lost in the mix. From gaslighting to efforts of encouraging my humorous outlook on life. Sometimes one gets hit while in the process of telling the children to walk away we laugh not in jest but for sanity’s sake.
Some ask why. Articulate? What happen to your time? My response is even when found telling my feelings of what has happened fail at connecting with words and coming out. The flood of memories as pictures pass through while sounds of they won’t believe and the occult has washed away the truth. It was a chance I took. After all the challenge of who was it and who are you was nothing new. I had already excepted my life and my story from my perspective would never be mine. It would always be someone else who had passed through. Something I think through out the years gave me comfort. How could I be the abused, it wasn’t me it was you. The disillusionment grew and grew. I had become the perfect child, the Daddy’s girl who for her family always gave in and came through. Not the independent person who plans how to be removed and moved only to onward move. The one who stays, lies and takes all the pain while sitting in a mediphoric chamber where the only stories are the ones the parents made. A toy, a doll, a performer. Entertainment for them and by their narcissistic behavior it appears I still am. It isn’t my life I write, not my poetry, not my story but everyone else’s I stole and strung others stories into. A mere mega phone to announce awareness of the abuse others suffer but nothing about me, I have never been used or abused. So no matter the time I have to articulate, the truth is lost due to the masses my step father and others have had me see that I’m nothing but just crazy. Most importantly a thief and well anything that would discredit me. Perhaps given all I’ve said, calling on the articulate was me being the sarcastic asswhole I am.
With these emotions an under current while I try to find ways to grow my currency, live life in the present and move past those who are unaware my life isn’t revolving around theirs. Trying to find a footing with the occult by definition, hanging over my head and judgement of how and when it began from people who aren’t detailed, thorough or slow to speak. Some get way to personal and with a judgmental tone of I know how it happened confess or I’ll just slander your name till I’m right and I win by default because you won’t write to me or call in. After all the occult lifestyle is a choice, just as child pornagraphy, or molestation and we as children know what we are getting into. Follow all these insults and results of rumors with everyday tasks of living a houseless life style. People standing outside your car while cat calling, mocking, gaslighting and instigating more drama we want more drama. Like my life and escape is a mere show to put on for entertainment and people pleasing, as if doing so increases my happiness as well as theirs. No time for healing. Just more of the same, push it down and plan for the day you pick up that gun and end everything because we will never stop treating you and your life as a game. I am a mental person who needs pulled out of a schizophrenic break, or so they would have me say. A cover for them so no one knows all the family secrets. Family secrets. That’s just the people I was born into. We haven’t even mentioned the test of humanity. My very sad and disillusioned attempt to try and save myself by reassuring my doubts I could get out without people being influenced by money and power.
So with these mountains and mole hills in my view, I do…I do sit here looking…and I do…I hear them telling me look over to the other side. But I also hear from there the ones before you and the ones after. I wish I could say the buffet was closed or that I no longer wish even of the honest my life to be biographical book on display. Some would say it’s the money, the sandwich (the one even I have joked of), or the lack of a home. It is time. Time wasted. Time I can’t get back. Time spent on experiences I will never be allowed to experience. Time I was told I would be able to make up. You’ll catch up they would say. Catch up. To what? What is all the words, all the art, all the music, all the work? If we have missed each and every metal and emotional growth in real time what is any of it. I didn’t sign up for a crash course at life. But that it what I’ve been forced to experience. Time is what I have missed. Experience is what I have been left with and that is something through everything I have been greatfull for. The awareness that though my time has been wasted by people trying to hold knowledge and information while stifling my experiences in attempts to control me. There is alot that can be stolen from a person. Experience is not one. For to be locked in a room with no hope for escape for a lifetime is still an experience. One that though this current body of flesh must endure, the very essence, the energy that makes us who and what we are will flow on and into something else carrying the experiences we learned and absorbed into ourselves.
Rolling around the words till the time is accurate, spill them out and act like they were never yours. My life is not my own. On days I don’t want to kill myself this lie is one reason. I am not that girl. I never will be. Still that gun looks real appealing for if I’m not planning someone else will. I haven’t been defeated, it’s just easier to belive it along with you.
theartoflife.space 