They lie to you
You know
Tell you things untrue
Things just to instigate you
They want to separate
Divide
Control is what they crave
Start a fight
Fill you with lies
Be everything you lean on
Mind control
Doll creation mode
Andriod for an asswhole
And what made me so
The truth
Gratitude and Gratefulness
You say in return for abuse
I've been nothing but thankful
Appreciative for surviving you
Coming this far
Living through your manipulation
Conscious and subconscious seperation
Be able to ware but not aware
Do as we say it's not a mistake
Oops didn't mean to cause a wheeze
Don't take a breathe
it's time to leave
Still walking you out
Just a reminder
We KNOW we have you figured out
But we are murders
Don't give a *u**
Get out
Tag: Histamine Intolerance
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Just Another Reminder
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Nachos Craving Check
Week 60. I bought these books from Amazon that I would never have been able to read while around my family. I have been struggling to break this mental bondage I am doing something wrong. I find it funny that even as strong willed and having a strong belief in ‘thinking for yourself’ as I am, I still struggle so much with the home training I had and being who I know I am vs who I was trained to be. I recently had a recurring dream of being called home by my stepfather followed with days of my mother telling me to come here. The method they use is connected with the dark arts and a big part of why I want to kill myself. They refuse to let go. Of course, they are not the only ones who attempt to call me to them. I remember being called a stray more than once and told I would have to struggle because of the culture. I am doing the best I can to be separate from them not just physically but mentally as well. I think moving on with healing and not hiding secrets is more difficult than I thought; especially for someone who is introverted and wanting to live a private life and being forced to live otherwise in order to escape and survive.
In other, more happy news, I found a way to have the nachos I have been craving. It was too late when I realized I could have taken pictures to post. I have struggled with the whole picture and video due to my situation. I was so excited to finally get the chance to make
them. I found this electric lunch box that heats up cooked food. So, I layered my spicy nacho Doritos on the bottom and then mozzarella, fajita beef, sharp cheddar, real bacon bits and Doritos spicy nacho cheese dip and put the lid on. It took about 20 min for the cheese to melt. I put Tabasco sauce on top and ate them with avocado and jalapeños. It definitely satisfied my craving. I was afraid the chips might get soggy, but 20 minutes was okay. Any longer though and I think they may have lost their crunch.I am kind of blah lately. I am definitely feeling the disappointment of not being able to get into an apartment yet but more okay mentally than I originally thought I would be. Some days I am crawling out of my skin and others I am more accepting as “this is just for right now, breathe” and am able to tolerate both. I think the hardest part is the sleep. I scare myself sometimes when I park somewhere and literally go into such a deep sleep for over eight hours and wake to realize how much time has passed and I how something could have happened to me or my car. I am constantly fatigued it seems and the human body can only go so long. It is another reason, alongside histamine Intolerance, that I try to watch how much I eat.
I think one of the more difficult things to do is write about a day-to-day life that is so boring as wake up, work, sleep and do it all again. I am not one to talk about others’ lives. I remember when some people thought I needed drama in order to have something to write. Yeah, I do not want drama in my life to just have something to write about. I would prefer to read a book and maybe share my thoughts on it. One thing I find hard is talking about an issue without having all the facts. I am still dealing with some of the people in my life not letting me access certain information so I can live out my life as I wish. Day by day right. So, one step at a time and remembering to breathe through their ignorance and hope they are learning to let go themselves and understand they are not needed as parents or guardians either. Narcissistic people can be difficult to remove yourself from when in this culture.
I hope you guys are having a better start for 2023 and seeing potential for a happy and fulfilling rest of the year. As always may the road rise up to meet you, all your days have blessings and remember to learn something so the same mistakes are not repeated. Much love to you all.
Kimberly 7:24pm 02/25/23 (they will not stop tfw)
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Health Update: Holidays and Mental Health
As you know over the holidays and right before the new year I was having some very difficult days with my sinuses. Around the new year it cleared up and has been fair over the last few weeks. I woke up this morning with a sinus headache, dog barking and someone yelling get up and walk. It was the same voice that I have heard several times in my past. When I was trying to get my car I was offered and opportunity to get a restraining order, but declined because it felt a bit like a trap as I was having difficulty with my family. That’s what I still find funny about this situation is this person still continues their same MO when it isn’t necessary. I already am wanting to get away from my family and already don’t trust them.
Rainy days are for being inside. I love road trips and driving but not this situation. It hasn’t been all bad and I really can’t complain too much. Most of my problem have been the people. People being rude and saying we don’t want you here to saying things that aren’t true like I shouldn’t be around children. Most of the time I have an incredibly long fuse. Not to much gets to me. People are allowed their thoughts, feelings and ideas. People are not always right and few, from my experience, keep their mouth closed till they get ALL the information. Many need fact checks with others and that is fine but people do lie and even if you get your information from a trusted source were did they get theirs and so on. I just know from experience to just sit back observe and don’t take anything to seriously until there is a very real reason to. Be watchful, but don’t attack. I was raised with a very instinctual mindset if you will. Were we were told we weren’t animals yet we were compared to them. Something difficult to let go of because alot of my ideas and theories come from the idea we too have a very core instinct about us that is underlining our humanity. It is were we go when the plane crashes and we need food. Or we are in need of food for our children and so we steal. Or we do something that gives us an emotional rush and we decide feeling good is more important than keeping the peace with our fellow neighbor. I’m not one to get upset about someone not agreeing with me but to outright be an ass in a common area that is unavoidable or telling me I can’t do something that is of free will like be aware, alert and paying attention to my surroundings in what has been created an unsafe space because of your asinine comments is completely unreasonable. There is this incredibly thin line between being petty and being an immature person. I have seen children be more mature then some adults. Which is one reason I have more patience with some people then others. I know why they have a hard time being mature. Let people be people. Yet I failed at my own standards many times. This week even.
So, moving on. If you know me you know why I haven’t been able to not only make my Sunday post time but not write at all. This amount of drama in my life is annoying. I am not a huge fan of drama in my life. I like quite, peaceful and smooth. I understand people go through things and that is fine but I have always tried to be a big believer of don’t take your stuff out on other people. Keep it to yourself and just ‘scroll on’ if you will. That being said I understand maybe going ahead and getting into some other issues outside my self and my personal problems would be beneficial for my mental health.
Where to start??
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Not forgotten…a health update
It has been a tough couple of weeks. I am at the tail end of a pretty bad sinus infection from my Histamine Intolerance. During this time in my car over the last eleven months I haven’t fasted as I should be. It has been difficult with little sleep to go on my usual cleanse. So now I have been forced into making a way to do at minimum a 12 hour fast. I was able to fit in almost a full twenty four hour but not a very beneficial one. I had to spend four days in hotels over the last seven days and spent alot of money but was able to take proper medication and get a proper amount of sleep for the most part. I’m not too surprised as this is about when I thought it would happen especially with rain. I will have to find a way to put extra effort into finding ways to fast while getting little sleep. The four days set me back like $600, which I’m sure will drive me crazy come January when I planned to get into an apartment. One thing about this time in my life is it really does seem like alot of nothing and not moving forward due to all the setbacks. It’s annoying.
I hope to be able to come back strong. I know without the proper sleep and hydration I am still several weeks from being 100% but hopefully I will be good by Christmas and enjoy a good holiday tradition. Not all of them but maybe one.
I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and stays safe over this holiday season. I have been dreaming of a kitchen this season. Funny the things you miss.
Kimberly 7:31pm