Of all the letters written...
As they shout its a joke
The one I usually
fail to mention
The last will she broke
Arose to a challenge
One she couldn't do alone
For I told her
how to make win undone
Take the details from the room
Lock the door and hide the broom Even now arrogance adds
As they say
rhyme and reason has no ass
As I over lap my own words
from hers My memory of what
triggered this is removed...
...struggle...
A want to start a new stanza
as I do
...ah that voice of two that so
annoys you
You know the one
that make you so unique
Calls you out and says there is
one...
Ah yes...
"that defies me" another chimes in...
As before I say again
I am a writer
don't come back here again
For if you do
my words intertwine with you
and once again
I'll just show the world
I know how to *u**you...
...yeah that last little bit
does sound better that way
but come on 'others' stop
bulling her...She hasn't dealt
with
Numbers.
She is almighty untouchable indeed...
but one look at my book
you can read
How I the one
not afraid
will hunt her down,
have eyes turn on her
maybe not with speed
but dear you already know
home you won't leave
A bit of fear
though dealth will come
but fearless yet
for a psycho you
have proven to be
Dear you may not run from me
but deep inside
you have a small fear
of that crown
and what it won't be
A cover will fall and she
will not mourn
but look behind your back
for death will come
The letter of my last day
It says I don't walk away
All plans I had stolen away...
yes I smile
and someone smirks
but they already know
I'm not for worse
Take it all away
and find the truth
I still win
and it is what burns
all of you
Still digging deeper
to find the meaning
Hidden truth
and what comes
up behind you
Dig and nose but it-
circles, that hide it
Never alone
and never life to care
Only how to get out of this-
Solitary...
as they search
Circles...
...circles...
AND AROUND WE GO
As it is edited the trigger is pulled
Steal this one too...
You know to give it a voice
Stolen personality for...
You're right it was never you
Go back look again live My life
You put the puzzle in wrong order
again
Tag: Law
-
OF ALL THE LETTERS WRITTEN
-
The Circle and Echos are Real
As writing the title I heard the people from last week who practice divination by whatever name of their choosing decided to talk about while I was busy with my head down. I woke up today after another frightful sleep of yelling about sexual assault in my dreams. I am constantly tormented in my sleep about my life. Currently my left arm is palputating while a voice tries to keep me from writing. This same palpitation is what was happening to me as I awoke from a very unnerving dream.
I read some post from my memories on Facebook and thought wow still tried so hard to hide but hated myself for it. I didn’t know how to deal with being made to say I was Christian, but always tried to explain my way around the belief and still maintain as much truth and being as honest to myself as possible.
Still struggling with writing due to many falling into the occult tricks and/or just wanting to treat me as a child. I know one reason is because someone wants me to only post on Mondays and not Sundays and has chosen to harrassment and abuse to say i can’t write in order to pressure or force me to do what they want. They are incredibly selfish and a person I want removed from my life.
I am so tired and hopefully 10 very painful steps away from my own place. They abuse hasn’t stopped, the have just found other ways to do it and to do it covertly. People only want to blame you for your response to them and their actions and never take responsibility for what they did to initiate the response from you.
Verbal communication is forsaken due to the knowing of the lack of importance or reasonableness behind the actions of force, abuse, manipulation and those seeking power out of insecurities of needing to look or feel useful. Gaslighting and fire starting are also tactics used by those who don’t feel they are appreciated or needed which are just insecurities of those who think a boss is better then a leader.
43 years tomorrow.
Kimberly 9:04pm 4/30/23
-
Inspirational Quotes
Warning ⚠ The following post is from summer of last year. I never posted it one due to ‘a new day’. Since then I found the job I’m at now. My credit score is up and I am able to get into an apartment. Alas the rumors of me being a child offender and being homeless because I can’t get in an apartment have started again. Which is not the case and is defamation of character since what is happening is one of the things affecting my job. There are so many things going on right now. I find it interesting that these rumors started right when I am in a place to defend myself and prove they are lieing. However I am not surprised. Anything to add drama to the pot aka list of things not true about me. But I digress, as darker days are coming again with the thoughts of leaving this last job. One due to comments about not liking what I write… you know, you know… The following was to be one of the last posts I would enter, hence the warning.
If it drains you, it is not for you. -I saw this quote in my news feed just now on Facebook. The very first thing that came to my mind is my life. My entire life drains me. My life is not for me. And since I can’t live any life but this one I want to escape it. I can hear people say but if you don’t like it then change it. Which in response all I can do is smirk. I have tried and I am unsuccessful. There is only my escape. The one I have been working on since I was four. I am afraid to execute this plan. For one the chance of more failure. Two my body being taken back to the same people who abused me. I have replayed several senerios from the narcissistic victims of she just disappeared and we don’t know what happened while getting their pat on the back. To she was a reprobate and going to hell, get right with God now or you too will end up like her. I sometimes think about my requests of just being a Jane Doe and cremated and put in the trash, as unrealistic as it sounds, and them not ever touching or seeing me again. I worked so hard to get away from them as best as I could I can’t help but break down at the thought. I don’t want a funeral. If I had enough money in my budget in the beginning my plan was to have a funeral home take care of everything. No funeral just body preparation, cremation and disposal. Which would have been perfect. No one has contacted me since about 2019 so it would have been perfect but I also needed the money to make it out as far as I could to my destination. 95/5 half knowing what they said would indeed happen, as it has always been my plan, and half dreaming just maybe. Ofcourse my step dad wants everyone to think he is just stepping out of the way while his friends and comrades, if he will even say that, do all the work for him. The funny thing is the more I think about it the more I realize it won’t matter, I’ll be dead. I just don’t want them to ever see or touch me again alive or dead. I am not an exceptional human, but even at my lowest they still don’t deserve to be anywhere around me. As I type that I think of a childhood memory, one I don’t feel free to write. One of abuse for money.
I picked up a pack of cigarettes yesterday. I don’t smoke inless it’s December but I figured since we are right here and the chance of December coming, we’ll I can’t say. So I made the call. I was up most the night on a nicotine buzz. That eyes closed not asleep but not awake. Small hallucinations in the dark dim black behind my eyelids. I sometimes find it funny that I am one of the people who has hallucinations as it is a withdrawal symptom but not a common one. Don’t even get me started on the occult hats on this one. I am half awake now and surprised I don’t have a heavier chest. However, I had a slight wezz in my lungs now just a little hard to breathe. I go through them pretty quickly. The triggers of being told that once I made the decision to smoke or not smoke I would then be an adult, yet the insinuation of not being one inless I did indeed smoke are always there messing with me. I don’t I’m still a kid. I do and I’m an adult but only because they say so due to my choice. When I say the brainwashing and mind manipulation I really am serious. It was not harmless teasing or horsing around. Because of the triggers and divination many things in my life are told to me in a way to make me feel helpless and backed into a corner. Anything to reinforce I am powerless.
As I was starting to write this there was a gray truck that pulled into the parking spot behind me, I had to adust my mirrors because something didn’t seem right. They stayed a long time, then left. But then decided to come back and park next to me a parking spot away, this was during my break down while trying to write how I felt about my remains and a funeral. They decided it would be a good idea to play Linkin Parks In the end. Which I felt I had to say was one of my Mato songs and they weren’t hurting me. They left and I finished the last paragraph before heading to the restrooms and the store. While heading to the bathroom this black car drove by and a lady said after that you won’t be allowed back. When I looked to see who it was she raised her hand like what are you going to do about it. My mind only went to two places. I’m not sure who or what she was referring to. But I am reminded of the guy that pulled up next to me yesterday and was talking on his phone saying you won’t find another job. Which on its own could have been someone other than me. There were some other things said. What I can’t get over is the threats that I will not be able to move forward. After I have said it myself, my own plan, but they are hell bent on making me think they are the ones doing the final push. As if I cared considering what I have in mind to do, a threat really. People, those who do stupid stuff… I can’t.
While I’m thinking about it I need to make something clear. Someone I had been intimate with decided to let it out to the public they found a knot in my breast. Fibroadenomas are not cancer and you shouldn’t be putting my business out there in the first place. I have had it since I was in my twenties. So yeah making my choice do to cancer would not true. I do hate that this blog has turned so dark and I have lost readers due to the negativity. I have to say I am proud of people who stand up for there mental health. If it is to difficult to read, especially outside of my horrible writing skills, I don’t want but need you to take care of yourself. I would never want to hurt, or even if I was capable of influence, influence anyone to harm others or themselves. Which makes me even more grateful for people who do stay and read. It means so much to me. I know how much I risk emptying my mind, but if people are going to be motivated to pass judgment from the lips of others then atleast I can shed a little bit of light on what the truth is. Abusive people will stop at nothing to get what they want. Even worse a charismatic and very convincing personality is doing it. Due to my family situation it means going as far as to paint me as a drug and alcohol addicted highly functioning autistic person who has gone off the deep end. With all the networks involved I had to kinda squish all thier idea of me together. Anything that tells people I need supervision whether to get at my non existent money or to fulfill their own narcissistic need. I have pleased people for so long we had a strange psychological bond that I needed to break for my own sanity. Alas there is no escape I fear. It is what it is and people believe the most convincing story whether true or not.
-
The Set Backs
One of the hardest things about moving on is cutting people out of your life that don’t belong there because they only wish you harm. Also not letting people in who have the same characteristics as them. What complicates it even more is having those people being in and using the dark arts. Occultism. It is its own culture and they don’t like people like me sharing. I stayed quite for a long time but their constant reminders being used to scare and intimidate me from leaving quietly with my intentions to never write or talk about it set in motion by their own self proclaimed premonitions they knew would happen. I come from a group of people who truly believe it is okay to act and be on the offensive and attack before their premonitions ever happened. They fool themselves. They allow their dark secrets and sins to rule their lives. They are swollowed up by thier own insecurities.
Then there are the people who see a target, a victim they can manipulate and persuade that I just need to be retrained, taught and or broken in to just sit quietly and behave if you will. That since I am already accustomed to the abuse that I just need a little push to accept my role and place in the occult behavior as there is no way out. To not do so means death.
These are hard times for someone like me. I am not one to celebrate holidays. I sometimes believe if I was raised in a different environment I would be somewhat of a Chrismas fan. Not necessarily a Christian one or feed into the commercialism of it. I would be more interested in all the different cultural practices that make up the Holiday. The why if you will. I sometimes think about how I would decorate my home if I had the energy to do so. I really like white Christmas trees with black ornaments. The really fancy kind. With white lites maybe some red. I think that would be pretty. I never have the money, space or energy but it is what is appealing to my eyes.
This time last year I was so nervous and anxious to set out and leave to start over. It has been almost a year later and I am still dealing with the same issues. People. Ones who think I need to be broken, beaten down based off of rumors or half truths and uncompleted explanations. But how do you describe to unbelievers about the occult and not sound ridiculously crazy and as a person who is seen as not wanting to take responsibility for thier actions. How do you explain some of those actions were not in your control? I don’t think you can. You are just someone who is seen as playing the victim. I hate being a victim. It screams I am an easy target. Broken, vulnerable and able to continue to be abuse. The fact that this culture is so tight and rarely is ever caught is why I have suicidal thoughts at times. In their eyes not conforming and loving that they don’t get caught allowing them to do whatever they feel and get away with it makes me stupid, weak and lacking. It makes me not a survivor. Not a fighter. That I am willingly laying down because I won’t conform to thier culture.
Isn’t that the heart of war, conflict amd hate. Cookie cutter Staford Wives cultures that say survival is dependent upon conforming and not appreciating the diverse personalities that when allowed the correct and appropriate amount of friction that leads to mature progression of cities and countries. The space to be who we are is smothered by territorial right to be ourselves. The lack of ability to get along, compromise and just have utopia slightly out of reach. Tranquility and serenity. It’s a dream we will never achieve because each belief systems says we are right and the only way to happiness is to be what we are.
The Truth is Love. The Word is Truth. Each cultural interpretation and what that looks like is what keeps us in a constant cycle of starting over. Not understanding the one Truth is Love. We can love our families our friends but have failed to understand what Love looks like when we are faced with people and things we are not accustomed to. We all have a way of doing it and our way is the only way. The larger the population and the more diverse the people the tougher the questions of how to make the appropriate and deemed best moral way to live. What laws everyone can live with. The logical being heartless and the compassion to save lives. All this complicated by a thirst for power, commercialism, greed and being the number one ruler whether community, business, country or continental.
That is my problem with religion and early teaching. The need and want for answers to universal questions. The pressure to explain who we are and how we got here. Translations lost over time due to various reasons. Love doesn’t force conformity it teaches and waits with patience. The pressure of population growth and what that brings due to the many individual and personal wiring of the brain. How Science doesn’t just duplicate but grows and evolves to fit its environment. The split of philosophy; the many new ideas and lack of time to appropriately adjust. The splitting off due to conflict of how things should be ran. The creation of several civilization branching and living out their truth. Sometimes when I think about it like this I say to hell with Utopia, the growth even in the so called ugly spots are nothing but beautiful. Even if the rise and fall is a vicious cycle. Why rush?
I hope everyone stays safe for their Winter Holidays. 2023 here we come in all our beautiful conflicts and agruements of how it should be. May it be done better than we have done it in the past. May we not stunt our own growth and be forced to start again.
-
11/17/2022…11/28/2022…getting heavy
Where does the line end
Unprofessionalism
Shear joy and excitement
Oozing from the person outside my window
My head still reeling from the distraction
The lit up SUV by the sign you say I missed
The enjoyment of entering my old address
All I could answer was Ma'am I’m homeless
The reply you mean you live out of your car
I am now dumbfounded even more
However I do remember the 1st time
And really my main concern
Not getting in the domestic violence
The mental block as she typed my address
Now all day the fear she sends something there
He called you know
My bio father
Left no message
Now this…what if she sends it…
All I can do is cry
I’m stupid
A printer, I hope all I’ll need is a printerI want to kill myself today.
Writing is the only way I know to try an escape…the wanting to kill myself today.