I know why I like my field. It has rules. It is direct. I know what to do. There is no need to feel a certain way or think a certain way. My field allows my brain to and emotions to rest. It gives me problems I can solve and on my own. It can be organized and flow. It is easy for me.
I can think of content for people who have a niche. I don’t have one. I can learn just about any software but can’t seem to bring myself to pay money I don’t have to use it and build my own site. I am not good at taking risks. My choice to leave my past life is the only risk I have been able to put forth energy into. It has exhausted me. Helping people was fun. Now I need help and I don’t have what it takes to even use the ideas of my own to put out content.
It takes an investment to make money. It takes the ability to take a risk. To be cut out for being able to not just think outside the box but step outside of it to put into action the creative thoughts. Nothing is free. I have always been good at finding a way. Pulling things out of my ass when needed. Great at problem solving. Now, it seems that the only time I can do that is if it is for someone else. My pessimism in overcoming me and my thoughts about myself are not that I can but that I can’t. The thoughts of getting the knowledge of the skills needed are overtaken by the need for money or the pressure of time.
I stopped and got a pack of cigarettes early this year. Proof of the overwhelming stress. I am good with stress until I start processing my memories. To move on I have to process them. To break old habits and be myself, who I truly am I have to deal with the emotions that come with my past.
To come so far and still be nowhere…it is frustrating. My own words kept from me when I try to process them in a healthy way and in a way that is normal for me has been come exhausting in itself. Like my own life is stolen they accuse and say what I don’t write about my own emotions, experiences and life. The situation is ridiculous. Maybe it’s a ploy to just keep me from talking about it. Or a push to stop being vague and hiding behind my poetry and being forced to write about it in a clear factual way. I still wish I was someone else sometimes. Never having been through the things I have been through. The protective way the mind works keeping the ugly truth covered up so you can make it through another day seems self-destructive. The actions and choices made due to the unprocessed thoughts and emotions one does because the mind says you aren’t ready to deal with what has happened to you. I wonder why that process exists. The hat/screen/accessory that takes over the natural process of dreaming by allowing others into your subconscious keeps the true healing from happening. That being the missing link. One of the getting in the way of a person’s natural understanding and healing process of the day and the days before. It is dangerous. Yet, you are still blamed for actions that are not of your own character, but seeds placed by others.
I am not sure how I will, but I still move forward even if I am still standing in one place. Just another lining up of the points in time. More evidence that ‘any day now’ is here.
How do you handle stress when you cannot do anything other than what you are doing? When you are under other people’s scrutiny? Being stressed out is hard to begin with; being watched while you are stressed out and having people tell you how and when and what to is more stress than I want to deal with. I am fairly certain it is what helps get me where I end up in September…or August. I can hear the cheers of excitement they are the cause from here.
This last week has been dedicated to slowly moving out of last weekend. I have spent most of the time cleaning, emotionally preparing for court and trying to not put too much pressure on myself until after this next Friday.
I did run into the same company interviews this last week. One of them is one from before I left the town I used to live in and apparently, it has something to do with the person who called me being on vacation, so the rumor goes. Last time she said she was going to do it again and it was fun getting my hopes up. She mumbled that she was on vacation when the job application was created and had not returned my call because she had to get back to work. Insinuating that she had made the job ad for her vacation entertainment. From what I understand it is a part of the group that thinks it is okay and fun to occasionally harass me or people by pretending they will give a remote job in another state. Last time they even sent over the assessment. I had heard in the office I worked in at the time the assessment was made to make it look real. Last time I did not really respond the way she wanted I guess because I really found it to be fraudulent but was not sure so that is when I heard that the assessment was being made. This time I responded letting them know I had been watching my spam folder and she still has not responded. I even called and left a message. I guess she had to go back to work. Each time it has progressed a little more. I am pretty sure if they decided to do it a fifth time…well I am sure they will not because they are with the group that likes commit fraud and kill people via online dark-web web cams. So, from the look of it they are one of the groups involved and hovering for and pushing for suicide to happen. Like running out the time while I look for a job. Fill my schedule with fake interviews till I run out of money and supposedly call my bluff. This is the group that has more than one person who shows psychopathic tendencies. They enjoy the fact I know they are doing it and that they can talk about it in the hat/screen/accessory about the plan of how it will happen and who will pick up my stuff afterwards. Of course, here in the physical it is all under the pretense that they are calling my bluff and of course would act surprised if they do happen to get caught. How ever since I really have cut out my friends and family, I do not know anyone will miss me. Even now I just heard the person outside say something about being good while one in the hat/screen/accessory said that is right, that is what we do.
The one who says they will make a whore of me yet is of course the one I hear giving the play by play in preparation for when I am supposed to chicken out if the time comes, I am to do what they want.
Today was quiet, but I still heard the voices and occasionally heard them trying to get my attention. They also still mock and taunt. Today is one of those days I feel sorry for one they are in existence harming not just me but other and two that the ones who are not psychotic are in the position they are in. They are just trying to survive, and I would not doubt if they too have been conditioned and told how to feel. They may not even be experiencing their own emotions and have conflict while in this situation. And with that last sentence the involuntary planted trigger done against my will said they wanted crazy in my blog this weekend. Force which should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
And with that they of course like to let go of the memory they took from me using the dark arts and science. Apparently, I applied for the first time for the job I mentioned earlier while I was on vacation. They like to mess with my timeline of events and since they are on my abuser’s side they are helping him by saying I could not have been right about my childhood. I have had normal memory loss or forgetting by stress and things like just time. I have also experienced deliberately a memory change and being held just so I would know the difference between the two. It is annoying and frustrating when people do it and try to use it against me. They are a part of the group who moves before they know who they are messing with. They still have not figured out that they are also being recorded and it plays back.
Also, the same call I get after my stepfather calls, and I do not respond I received the other day. He had the audacity to try and say in the voice mail he was returning my call. As I type that the hat/screen/accessory says that it was a set up and they had someone tell them that I had called, and they needed to call back and how that statement was a lie. Children do this stuff. They do not know how to deal in the physical world, I guess. I really want them out of my life, and they do not seem to care about anything but revenge on someone who really did not do anything wrong. I have made these statements before in my blog I had started years ago, and it got deleted. They do not like I talk directly about it or them. They are not a reference to the people who like to watch people suffer and struggle until they have been forced to commit suicide by their hand.
This week I have been here and there (the last time the remote job came up for that same company) and 2006, it has been an exhausting week.
Less than a month and it will be another year older for me. Crazy. I remember back in 2006 when they were taking bets on when I would kill myself or leave or whatever they had said would happen. At one point I had forgotten but apparently, they still have it somewhere, but I am not sure just something I heard.
It is funny how being born into this, I can talk all day about how my life ends, and no one cares. People who do, who truly are caring still have no care for me other than to say I am dramatic, or a sad story. I cannot blame them, no one who knows wants to mess with people who deal with the true dark arts.
Audio files mentioned last week uploaded and on the Poetry page
On to another week and hopefully I will be able to get outside of this mess and find a job, be able to move on with my life and lose this hat/screen/accessory. I doubt the hat/screen/accessory with go away since one reason it is here is to allow nosy people listen to what I am doing and saying. Since I will not stop writing until they do leave, which if they were to leave, they would not know if I were doing it or not. I will not stop writing so they will not stop stalking and harassing me, so I will not stop talking about what is happening to me.
Stress. I was avoiding my emotions. I am angry and tired of people who need to stay out of my family’s personal life. You are not involved in less you make yourself involved. People who think I would run home to my abusive parents do not know about abusive families or are hiding that they are in one also.
It started Friday night…or was it the afternoon…I needed a break. Alot has happened since the phone call that cost me my job. Yet, it seems like nothing has happened at all. I seem to have accomplished truly little in any actual goals being completed or the ones that have not been achieved on time. The crazy (the hat/screen/accessory/dark arts tool) is causing an issue with my scheduling and my own self sabotage has agreed thus I have not been as routine as I like. It does not help with the male voices from outside my window have been heard saying I need to sleep during the day and be up a night because that is when it happens, and they will make a whore out of me yet. So mostly my problem has been my sleeping routine. Even if I get up in the morning at my regular time, I am kept up that night into the next morning about 2:00am to 2:30am a few times even till 4:00am. So, then I do not get up till 11:00am or 12:30pm the next day and my entire day is ruined. I like to be up early and have any unplanned scheduling done by lunch. With all the emotions, not being able to get up enough energy to go to the gym (which always helps a slump) and of course the new stress of a court date I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. My neck and shoulders have taken all the stress and I have done nothing by sitting at my desk most of the last few weeks. So, I took all of Saturday and all today just lying in bed. I did not allow myself to sit at my desk. So, I am late.
I really am not surprised since they must keep me from writing so I can get the message. It will get quiet, and I will not have too many problems until I do write, then it starts all over again. They threaten not only my freedom of speech by putting themselves in the place to dictate what I can and cannot say. They do not seem to understand I will not be stopping.
On top of everything else, my car needs to be fixed, and I really do not have the money to pay the rent and pay for the car. It can cost up to a thousand dollars just to fix the issue that it has now and if history has repeats itself something new will happen once, I do get it fixed or if I wait too long and end up with the money then the problem will have grown into a more expensive one.
There are no people, no networks that can help and the ones that can have sided with the ones wanting to keep me quiet. That is what money can do and that is what we have known for an exceptionally long time. It is simply hard to believe it is past the ‘it won’t be much longer’ to ‘the any day now’. I highly doubt I will be able to find work. I cannot blame a company for not wanting to take an at-risk employee and we know it will be the unspoken thing that potentially will keep me from getting a job. I have decided to do hybrid or at risk in less the employer chooses to let me work on site with the current state of things. It just does not look promising.
The hat has wanted me to get a cigarette or blow job… or both for a while now, but I am going to wait. The final emergency call looks like it will be made this year. The mocking of not mentioning suicide was even put in song the last trip I took in the car. They just repeat the same stuff. Mock and harass. The voices of that are what happens when you mess with that stuff has been heard here more than the places I came from. Of course, it would be understandable since they do not have knowledge of my family’s history or what I was born into without a choice.
I find it funny that the voices think that I care that no one cares. I mean on some level I do. It is just I have known how it would end since I remember so much, and no one wants to get involved so does it matter if they care. You can care and still be unwilling and/or unable to help. What is the point of dwelling on the fact I already know what is going to happen and not because I want to?
To another week that has gone and the new week ahead. I hope it goes well for everyone and mostly for the reader.
You know that feeling of accomplishment being defeated by an emergency that is out of your control; the one that affects the goals you had saved for?
Today I heard for the second time that yes it was what they do, run you out of your money. Then I found the key I needed had been removed while the memory of Wednesday’s public overload that happened while having my backpack run through a backscatter scanner started running through my mind. I heard someone ask for the key in that <insert muffled sound like ‘that white box’ and referencing me as their wife> as I was being talked to about my phones and hearing someone else say to the person running the pack through that I did not come in with them and I came in alone. Of course, I am in a room full of people and this accessory/hat/screen attached to my person in some way causing an echo that in these situations makes it hard to know if some voices and sounds come from the room or not. Enough time did pass for the key to have been removed from the clasp but left in the box as a warning that if I went back to that building it would be taken reiterating the threat when I first got the key ring that the keys would be taken from me so I would have to pay for a rekeying of the box it belonged to. The fact that I would have to go back to that building was mentioned and the response was that it would be on me and that I would lose that key. Keep the key, do not go to the building. As you can see the key ring is not very easy to open.
Usual tactics have been used the last two times I have pulled that key out. The tactics of getting my attention off the ring and my mind on the other things around me, resulting in forgetting the key is in my pocket, whereas I usually immediately put it back into to the box once in its presence. Could the ring have had pressure put on it during that time, sure. Could the two instances be an opportunity used as a set up to re-mention the loss of the key to be spoken of again to scare and intimidate me from continuing to go to the authorities, yes. Either way that key came off to send a threatening message. Another illegal threat.
More threats come from outside my window. More illegal activity as the item that plagues me is played with against my will. The item forced upon me by people who believe it is okay to mark someone just because they do not like them. Others accept their actions in good faith that the person who placed the mark follows culture and did it as a warning to others. No, this person chooses to be selfish and uses the faithful to get what they want while telling me I will not be believed but they will. (the rest removed and will wait for another day)
Divination. The foretelling of the future. The being made new. The changing of life to try to make things better. The butterfly effect. To have something you must give something. To get a life you give a life. The cost is equal to that which you purchase.
The windows meet and I try several attempts to dodge, few know and fewer I am afraid do not trust. Get out before it is too dark and that is when the suffocation begins. To be cut off from that which you love. To have selfish and bitter people keep track so to make sure that love is no longer touched. Hatred. Due to jealousy, I am told.
The last two days have been the quite that happens as seeds from a specific group get laid as I sleep. The pause and reflect needed to keep from certain lines being crossed. I am exhausted, I lay with my subconscious opened by sleep deprivation and hypervigilance. Brain washing and conditioning. One of the many things I keep being told, that it will never stop.
“We will not stop.”
As they are kind only to open me up and keep taking the opportunity to sow more seeds. They ware down. Constant harassment and stalking. It is like the image of the person tied to a chair while their eyes are forced open to watch the screen in front of them for days with no sleep, water, or food. Only I have no tangible binding, I have food and water, but their replacement fear and intimidation of a multitude of people mocking and threatening with only one place to go, seclusion.
Seclusion, brain washing and bond making for success.
Far too many long paragraphs and far too many broken thoughts.
Yes, there are two entries this week. A lot on my mind and a lot of unwanted seeds to prompt writing and dictate what I write.
I made a lot of steps this week and took in a lot of information. I went to the authorities and the local department for my area and found it is not open on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I am thinking I may need to go to the headquarters, I hate being new somewhere and not having this kind of needed information. I did take care of some other thing pertaining to the situation and took the goal of making it to get help off my GoFundMe list of things I needed. It was incredibly difficult to get out and do it, and I failed to keep my composure, but I finally got out and went, made it past the first step a second time and unto another.
Job searches. Resumes and Cover letters. Webinars. Assessment tests. All useful but distractions nonetheless as I was not able to study the material needed for my plans on job advancement. My disrupted sleep pattern is affecting my work and study times. I am exhausted.
I did an interview with a job recruiter but got a short response after informing her, which is my legal responsibility, about the life situation I hate to mention. I am wondering if I should reach out about the job in question or if I should just let it go.
I missed some journaling days once or twice and one day I even wrote my personal entries in my business journal and vice versa. I believe that I have more worries than I do facts about my life. Although in my defense a lot of my worries are based off fact. Facts I cannot talk about.
I am looking for remote work. Currently I am on Flexjobs.com for most of those positions. However, I am on ZipRecruiter and Indeed for companies willing to take an employee at risk. They currently have some hybrid jobs as well as remote. All I know is I need something in the next 20 days.
The mic I ordered through Amazon came and I went today and got it. I recorded some entries from the ‘Poetry’ page and will be including them as soon as I can get that page edited with the new recordings. There are a few.
One of the hardest things for me is hearing my own voice. I do not really like my serious speaking voice. Okay, I am not a fan of any of my accents but some of that has to do with being called doll or android. Under different circumstances it would not bother me. It is something I would like to work on.
I need sleep. Actually, uninterrupted sleep. Seedless sleep.
If not better and closer. That must mean something, right?
I did not get to bed until around seven am this morning knowing I had to be up at twelve pm for a Monday phone appointment. I thought if I could just get a couple of hours sleep or at least lay down and rest my mind I would be doing great. However, I woke up confused. Somehow, I lost an entire day. (we must not talk about the underlying reason, at least not now). Fortunately, I got it back.
I am the kind of person who has a way of always knowing what day it is without having to look at a calendar. I organize my clothes every laundry day and have them sorted for the week. I prefer a prepared grab and go outfit over taking time every day to see how I feel and what I think I might want to wear for the day. With this morning wardrobe routine removed due to not wearing my usual business casual apparel I lost a day. So, at twelve thirty pm this morning I was scrolling through my internet history, seeing that is where I am doing all my studying and work, worriedly figuring out what I did for the last four days. Somewhere around the seventh I thought it was time for it to be Friday and just threw Thursday out the window. I knew then I needed to be doing my blog post entry for Sunday’s release the next day, which in my mind would have been Friday. Instead, I immersed myself in all things discord, mental health, email, studying, setting appointments, doing taxes, writing a cover letter, and renewing business subscriptions. Six hours spent on IRS.com and eight on Quick books. I am not sure when exactly I slept. Somewhere around the time I was on irs.gov and QuickBooks is when the usual proof reading or just starting an entry is typically done. I guess was making up for the two and a half weeks I laid in bed getting quantity sleep trying for quality.
I have had some extremely exciting things come up. Things I tend to forget because I get so focused on the bookkeeping certificate I have gained. I have some knowledge of accounting and that always gets put to the side due to the accounting functions and set goals/responsibilities being different than bookkeeping. Over the last few days, I have been looking at marketing pitches on social media and advertisements from online education. Researched the best offers based on program material they provided, the overall value of the product presented and the bottom-line cost. The goal being what is the best path to take now. I mostly have been looking at freelance copywriting, transcription and starting my own bookkeeping business. As usual, I had forgotten that a lot of the information about starting your own business can be found on IRS.gov for FREE. Shh do not tell anyone. I understand there are people who do not want to go looking for all the information and having someone bring it to you can save time. You may have missed the part where I went to school for my associate in accounting. I failed but still (to clarify, I only had time to get the certificate, I did not actually fail any classes). This is the kind of thing I know I get ‘that look for’. I am familiar with it and the ones who walk away from me after giving it. Okay. I understand why they do. Moving on.
So, it is Sunday…how are you doing?
On Wednesday I got out and ran errands and with a quick and seemingly impulsive move I did something I had been putting off. I had seen a hair studio not to long after arriving in twenty- twenty two and had researched their web site, did my usual anxiety exercises; practiced the request procedure of knowing what I wanted and what I would say and of course parking, sitting and familiarizing myself with the outside of the building, walking up to the door (then walking away while pushing down my fear) and emotionally preparing for the price. I had this kind of time when I was living out of my car. This past week I finally pulled in quickly, walked in the building, verified the on-line price, which ended up being less than what I had estimated, set a same day appointment and then awkwardly and anxiously walked out got in my car drove around the parking lot, parked in a different spot and waited about thirty minutes, while eating watermelon I had just bought and then as calmly as possible walked back in ten minutes before my appointment. We will not talk about the ‘crazy’ that happened while I was there…this time. (yes, I AM reading that statement and I thinking any new reader would be questioning what I call crazy, if you have been here awhile then you know, what I just told you was very mild)
Why had I been avoiding this particular self-care routine? Well, again it goes back to my obsessive and negative mindset for staying prepared. I have been stuck in the fear-based approach to problem solving the future mishap of being homeless again due to loss of my job. I have not bought some typical housewares due to this same reason. Keeping my hair long and putting it up in a bun helped through the days of homelessness where I was not able to wash my hair every other day. Which is the norm since my hair is not simply fine but thin also and can get oily very quickly. My negativity about my situation kept me in the bun. It was time to eat that bun and my fear and just do it. Okay, you know I did not overcome the fear, I justified my decision while still thinking about the negative outcome.
The Truth: I have six months to find something that will either be a steady income or be able to generate money to put away for upcoming expenses. It takes my hair about six to seven weeks to grow back to bun length.
Positive action in times of negative thinking is the only way I know how to live. (Yes, you can read that in a dramatic tone, I will allow it)
Forcing an uncomfortable and risky positive move in any direction is better than freezing or continuing to be unproductive. I have found it is in those situations just making any move forward can have a bit of a snowball effect. It was after that I came home and got so busy I lost a day.
I am very tired and think I might try to take a nap…after I do some things around here. I do know the proof-reading errors today cannot be blamed on being homeless, nonetheless, I hope you have a good week, and I will try to do the same.
Not yet restless. Not well rested. The last time the volume turned all the way down on this trick it caused vertigo. But to be fair anytime I lose a lot of quality sleep I have dizzy spells. Again, truth be told if the volume were up, I would probably have yelling in my head about needing to do or not doing something. Last night the insinuation was that I had changed plans on laundry and even though the laundry mat was closed, and I could not get it done I had to suffer the consequences. Said consequences was wired sleeplessness. However, I also have had a lot of histamine filled foods and have been experiencing symptoms of a mass cell release. Is it ever going to be just one thing? Maybe, the physical evidence is the truth, and the yelling is judgment on their perceived ideas on why I am suffering. Either way I am exhausted. I hate having inner ear trouble. I hate it more that it can be caused without my consent by the supernatural. I will leave that there other than to say the feeling of a popping in your ear followed by what feels like the aftermath of being smacked in the back of the head is stomach dropping and extremely frustrating due to the knowledge when I go to lay down that lose crystal will be causing havoc on my inner ear.
Even now the voice is yelling at me. Then arguing how they are not yelling. 2018. You have yipped and taken free will since then at minimum. I am being kind. More research on the dark arts and the consequences of its use. Followed with more yelling, mocking, and strutting about how they are above the law. It is insanity. I was born into insanity.
Anyways, I heard a song I want to share with you. 180 by Tyson Venegas, from his 2023 self-titled EP. The fifth track, 3rd is not too bad either. The whole EP had an exceptionally smooth and relaxing sound. The lyrics on 180 though are what got my attention. He talks about using his platform to express and share his ideas on politics and world change since he is not old enough to vote. Why wait to be involved in the change the world needs. Most importantly I think being the change the world needs by using your voice and not just dropping your choice of a change facilitator into a voting box. There are six total tracks on the EP. Worth checking out especially if you are in a mellow music mood.
This week’s new addition is joining a discord channel. My introduction was of course a poem. Writing is my go-to in situations that will allow me to use it as a way to express myself when I am not sure what or how to say something. It is always a comfort for me in situations that are awkward for me, (it is on the Poetry page). This of course led to the obvious idea that I have been avoiding. Other than the weekly updates worked in my over processed emotions typed here I do not write much. The excuse I have been using is I need a prompt to distract me from my stress and trauma being forced from my being. Which was the only reason I went to discord. I had thought about books too, but at some point, I know I will want a critic. That is when what has been in the back of my mind and the thing, I have been avoiding became unavoidable. Music. Music is what prompts me. I am reluctant. …
That brought up a lot of feelings. Like my number one item to get once getting a place of my own was headphones and a piano. This fear kept coming up along with all the excuses that came with it. Like my song writing is over. Only a cistern and not a well. I said that back in the day when I succumbed to my own insecurities. Some say an empty pen with no ink and how they wish to fill me. Arrogance leaves this burning stench behind. To succumb is to give way of credit to another. That consequence is still following me and is filled with doubt. I wasted four months because of fear of failure and the need to constantly be prepared for it. Not the if it happens but when it happens. Due to the nature of my circumstances, I cannot argue with myself. I can only rationalize and accept it has happened.
For Four Thousand Miles and Anyone for you (Tiger Lily) I must leave and yes Coffin finally hit. Thats all.
September is when my lease ends. September is when I will be homeless again. Can you tell my hopes for a job are not there? *sigh* I am in between trying to rest from this atmosphere and trying in general. Vacation must be over.
Can’t get scared, been there.
Can’t be destroyed, been demolished.
Restored. Visited but the thieves always come back.
Come in Positivity… for the love of love…please:
Quick search for some inspiration…
Sharing is detrimental to the situation but a necessary process. Public not by choice. Therapy cost. Thank you for being at my place. Never to be seen and never heard, but forever present.
Water, water, and more water. Remember physical health is a large part of staying mentally healthy. You cannot function off exhaustion. Healing takes rest. Remember to rest.
I hope you have a wonderful week and that we move forward into light and help along with good graces and not more abusive behavior.
It has been a long week. I was sick the first few days but was able to get some things done. I still have not been able to sleep well. Quantity with no quality. I still have this magik trick that has been burdening me since 2018. Four months after I left the town I was living in. It is possible that this is what happens to my sister when she is trying to leave. Maybe. It is the people he chose to use. The two say they are not connected, yet somehow…
It has taken a few days to even get to a place where I could breathe a little and even now when I think about the time, I feel a weight and am filled with anxiety. I went over some work stuff and will be continuing that for a while. Of course it is also tax season. There is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.
I have taken a few days to try and rest since it has been so long since I have had what is supposed to be a break. Physically more than mentally, but again it is hard to get the physical rest I need when there is constant chatter, alarms and ‘whispering’ thoughts while sleeping. It is funny cause talking about it is what makes me crazy. The first few days was spent having to listen to the constant talk of you are supposed to kill yourself. Then it changed to wait till you are at the end of the two months that were given to you along with feelings of how grateful I should be for the graciousness. As usual after a few days I went back to ignoring them and of course had to listen to them when I started ‘doing what they say’ keep in mind these are things I would do anyways or may not have thought of myself but did not reject the idea. Sometimes I think they do not know about my parents and the things that I have already been through. Maybe they do not know he can hear them as well as me. I do not think they realize you can wear more than one ‘hat’ or magik trick. Each one that thinks they are the only ones; do not know we are not alone. It is rare to have the groups together or close in time span. Of course, the subconscious thinkers or ones with no voice have no indicator other than what is forced upon me. Just as the signatures I see over many things. The things forced on someone tells you something about the person that is doing the forcing. I am not sure if the last two days has been a distraction to keep me from getting a subject to write about so much as to empty my mind as some say or an attempt to keep me once again from writing at all since spilling my thoughts are something that would be irresponsible to do in my current state. Do I tell them here? That all those years ago I could be found and that I would write what was happening as it was happening? That I did contact the authorities and told them what I would do? Is it time to? I heard someone just today decide to use words on me I have used in the past. Are they in the magik trick hat? Their voice is. Infact it is the fact that the voices being heard and that they are people I know from my past only tells others who have knowledge of schizophrenia that I am not having an episode. I am in fact being followed, stalked, and harassed. I was told I would never be allowed to keep a job, that they would find me and make me lose it. They work with my stepdad to aid him. I sometimes wonder what or how they get paid. It has always been personal to me.
Of all the movies I watched, LUCY is the one that had to be my favorite. Aquaman being second. Lucy was like watching my last post being put into movie form. Or maybe with the life I have had it was the movie I watched in the future that defined my present belief system. Depends on who you are, I guess. Circles. To see or be told of future events only to live them out really is a Matrix-Oracle moment. One I have more than grown accustomed to. It is only when talking to critics or judgmental people or just @ssholes that it even surfaces as needing acknowledgement. When dealing with these types of people my own smart @ss characteristic come out as I hide all emotion and go strictly into think mode straight android face and all. No emotion pure logic and whatever bs that keeps them in their own little @sswhole world of I know that I know when they clearly do not. At least I try to read people and not scare unknowing ones. Some do not. The truth is, they caught me, and I tell them they did and that they overestimated me too. Some get it and some do not. The ones that do not are the ones that I walk away from. I am no longer sure of why they approached me in the first place. LUCY was a good movie.
So, going into next week…all I can say is, try to stay positive, keep your eyes open and do not forget your taxes while waiting for everything you need to come in to do said taxes. Some of those things you must ask for. Have a good week and drink your water.
You have reached a huge goal that you have planned for over the last thirty-two years. You seem to be on the other side, but you still have connections to people from the life you are trying to escape from. The life that was good, but it was a lie. You hated lying to people but did not think you had a choice because of your situation. You did everything you could to be as honest as possible even to the point of self-disillusionment. You sit down to write about how you are, what you are thinking and feeling about being where you are since you left your family and life you had only to see once again how many steps and the points on your map of goals you had to mark off to get here. When you think of the first time you started thinking about getting out you were only a pre-teen. You only tell one person, then withdrawal and hide your heart and thoughts. Continue with just being a kid. And remember kids do not have lives and cannot talk about their life or their experiences. Especially since it puts their newly rededicated to Christianity parents at risk of looking bad.
Three years later, after being accused of losing your virginity when you had not. Moving because of the accusation. Then having your head pushed into your pillow till you black out and then coming to with voices of your parents outside your bedroom. Some extremely uncomfortable coming of age encounters with your stepfather. You sit down at the fairly new family computer and pull up the calculator and start thinking about how much money you would need to live on your own. Back then it was around ten to twelve dollars and hour for the town you lived in and that was barely scrapping by. You also, with your mother’s help, decided it was definitely time to learn how to wash your own clothes. Things seem to slow down and get quiet, but over the next few years you dream and set up your room like a studio apartment and know you must get through school with as much knowledge as allowed and bid your time abiding by the rules until you turn eighteen and can leave your parents’ house. You black out the grooming conversation to this day.
Two years later you graduate and start looking for a job so you can move on with your then six-year-old plan. You picked a job in food services just a few blocks from your parents’ apartment complex. It is your second time working in this field and this time it did not work out. Something just was not right. So, you find another job. While working there you move out of your parents’ and in with a friend and her family. After going out of town for an event in another town you meet someone and then nine months later you are married. Alot of strict parenting about clothing and how you should stay and follow Pentecostal beliefs came prior to your decision to marry. So much pressure from your parents kept you from seeing the true nature of what you were getting into. Like looking back while running from the life of lies caused you to trip into an even more difficult future. When your then Fiancé and you decided the best thing would be to have you move to the town he was living in because it would be closer to his workplace you felt so much relief. You finally did not have to be near your parents any longer. Thoughts of completely cutting them off stay in the back of your mind. But after around four months you are both back living in the same town as them. Again, they are overly involved, and you can see them seeking even more control and the effects of the stress of losing the control they had. You tried everything to stay in your marriage to your husband. But strange things were happening, and this is when the first visible signs of the occult started showing themselves in the actions of not just your parents but your husband as well. A place in time that triggers all the other occult occurrences. You started to just accept this was how it would be. You would never be truly happy. Instead, you focused on how to be content. Connecting and practicing principles and proverbs to help you with being content. You really began to believe you had just married the wrong person and needed to find a way out of the situation. It was when you had thoughts of killing your husband it was time to leave. You would be on your own again and trying your best to get out another way. However, the only way out was moving back in with your parents so you could regroup and find a way out from under the debt your husband had found a way to get you both into.
It is five years after becoming a legal adult and you receive your divorce papers. You continue with your plans to get your own place. While married they were not upset with you being a part of the church bulletin and so you try writing but only stick to anything and everything Christian so to not rock the boat with your parents. At least you were allowed to write right? There is serious parenting control and abusive narcissistic behavior to be unpacked in that last statement, but again for a different time. After about a year you move in with a friend you met through church and for the third time in your life live with someone other than your parents. Then you were not fully aware but now you can see where your parents were going behind your back and talking to people connected with you. You decide it is time to find a place of your own.
It is October 2004. You have arrived…kind of. Once again, you think maybe this will not be so bad. Maybe just having a place of your own will be enough. Just enough illusion portrayed that you are still willing to be controlled but there had to be boundaries. And just like that the lies, the forceful control all started being hidden again. You had decided all you wanted was to go to work come home have a few hobbies, time to yourself, and continue to go to church so you could socialize with your parents hopefully keeping them satisfied that you were not going anywhere, and all the known but unknown family stuff would be forever forgotten. But two months later they were back at it. You gave up. There is no hope for a life without drama, control, and constant giving. A life of just being used as entertainment and duty are all the exist. No life of your own. No thoughts of your own without prior permission. The independence of a young women is nonexistence. They are not capable. Not intelligent enough to acquire the knowledge themselves. They cannot and will never be free. This is the mindset. So again, bidding time. Find something to do. Found too much to do some would say. Time on the internet and seeing not only the state your life is in but the state of the world you live in and that there seemed to be no escape from any of it…You want to leave. You plan to leave. Again, planning. Back to the plan. The first one. The one twenty-one-year-old.
From a four old’s lips and an adult man saying choose how you will do it. From a life of being told pills and slit wrists are a weak way to die. I arrived. Now here I am mid plan, knowing I am surrounded with people portraying psychopathic tendencies, for what reason does not matter right now because it will not change that psychopathic characters are a current variable, the occult and being told I am not to live. The only reason they give, the secrets. The ones that never would have been released if they had not persisted in keeping me in their lives in the first place. They failed to see it was never about what happened. It was that they would not let go. I am the paranoid one. I really think he would have. It was her. Selfishness. She had to have control of someone, but then again, she needed someone to control because she could not handle being controlled herself. To control others is their release and when being honest they have no shame. To leave them behind along with all the others is my greatest desire and here I am still knowing because of the connections introduced to me by and through the life and choices of my parents and the tactic of confusion in times of war, I will never be free. Freedom I am told is in the mind, but even there I am told who, what and how to live, talk and be. They are parasites feeding off every piece of energy and life you have. Yet here I am.
I am here.
…
And here is what I am eating this week:
Up first we have an egg, kale, and tomato casserole. This one is really one of my favorite grab and go meals that can be eaten hot or cold. Number of eggs depending on size of pan. Add some onion and garlic with whatever seasonings you prefer. I am not great at following recipes. I usually just throw whatever I have on hand with a few items I grab from the store that might go with said items.
Ready to go in a two-compartment container, I have added chia seeds with some powdered peanut butter and cocoa powder with honey to set up as a pudding. I will add a salad if I need more food that day and…
I am sure you have at some point seen rice chips made from rice paper fried in oil. I do use olive oil carefully on this one to not set the smoke alarm off. If I still want a little something before bed these will be my go-to for the next week or two. These are great with a little pink salt and nutritional yeast. The ones below have my latest popcorn seasoning mix I made. I think it had some ground flaxseed in it.
Stay safe Wednesday and be sure to love the ones that love the day. I’m good, but you know how they can be. Just kidding I love you lovey dovey people too. Who could go a day without the romantic ones, seriously, I just don’t like spending money…Wink Wink. If you tell anyone…
Don’t forget your water, that is a Valintine’s Day tip also, if you know. If you don’t, I’ll just say natural liberation if that helps. If it doesn’t…yeah, I just can’t help you.
Vision boards have been around for a while now and not just among the ‘New Agers’, can we even call them that anymore? Anyways, I made one once and some people saw it and got the wrong idea. Just another case of me having to take the blame for being too vague to people determined not just invade my thoughts but go ahead and interfere with my personal life as well. I did not much like just sitting there and looking at it, partly due to the sitting still with things that made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Seeing what I wanted in front of me while still feeling trapped did not give the desired effect vision boards should give, I suppose. I remember having to throw it in the dumpster when I left that apartment since I knew I would not be able to carry it here with me. I did take pictures of it along with some other items I could not bring but who knows in what file they are in at the moment. It in total cost me a little over 100.00 to construct, but worth the cost with not just the growth and understanding vision boards just are not my thing, you know they cannot really move with you, but also the subconscious motivation to get to a place were looking at my visions did not make me feel even more trapped.
I have always been a sentimental person and having items laying around has always been like little vision boards lying around. Items that remind me not of just where I was but my plan to get where I want to be. Or little items that help me in tough times it feels like those visions will never come true. So, when I decided I would go ahead and start reading again and, more frequently, I had some thinking to do. You know, wanting to be as minimalistic as possible and able to pick up and move anytime I wanted to, I tried audio and virtual books. The audio books cannot keep my attention, even the good ones. I found this odd because I can turn on the T.V. and walk around the room, clean, and do other things and be just fine following along. Not with the audio books though, at least not then, perhaps I will try again one day. The virtual books are a no as well. There is just something about holding a book in your hand. I know it will be hard to move and keep up with them and I will have to start all over if I must get rid of them in an emergency, but tangible paper books are what I enjoy. Plans of book shelfs and book ends started to be one of the things I would use to motivate me to push forward and not let past experiences hold back from reading. I have a few bookcases in my Amazon cart ready for when they come up on my list, I do have a list of things to buy during this starting over process. While I was waiting for the big purchase items, I thought why not make my own book ends.
I went to the Dollar Tree because they have been selling more wood items for crafts and purchased four pieces of wood and some paint. It took me a while to paint the wooden pieces and get an idea of what I wanted. I had remembered some craft ideas about figurines being used on some homemade ones and thought, I will do that. After weeks of layering on paint till I was satisfied with how that part looked and thinking of places to get items for the decoration for each book end, I decided to finish a set. When I was homeless, I walked in a lot of Dollar Trees and saw a lot of figurines. In the garden section there were these trees. They look like they could go in a Fairy Garden. I remembered thinking these would look cute on some bookends. It was one of those moments where I was being reminded of what I would do and at the same time having my original idea being credited to the one who was pulling me into a future moment. Either way what was going to happen was going to happen. I went back there this past weekend and found some of those trees and one had a little house in it. I could not help but see it as a symbolism of a cozy knowledge hole. Like the tree of knowledge. Oh forbid. I grabbed them and thought some leaves around the tree for a kind of life like effect would be neat. I bought some tiny leaf garland and new paint. I needed to change some things due to the color of the tree. I tried to go with a look of a house that had been overgrown. I am happy with the results for the most part. I have one more set I am working on but am not sure what I want as the decoration on each end. I have tried not to think of the cost too much. I like making things, but I get too caught up in budgets I think sometimes. I budget for what I would be making vs the time I would have to share with other tasks and people and end up just waiting and buying something that costs less time and money. This time there was less competition. I went with individualized touch instead of straight commercial. Too much for a book end but I enjoyed doing it. Here are some pictures of them.
Can you believe it is already February? Where does the time go? I hope this next week is productive for you and that you are focusing on not just your needs but your wants for this year. Remember to always take time for your mental health. As always, do not forget to drink your water and help your body flush out any toxins and give your brain a boost. May the road rise up to meet you.
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