Tag: occult

• March 2nd 2024 

  Week Three Intro  

  Not yet restless. Not well rested. The last time the volume turned all the way down on this trick it caused vertigo. But to be fair anytime I lose a lot of quality sleep I have dizzy spells. Again, truth be told if the volume were up, I would probably have yelling in my head about needing to do or not doing something. Last night the insinuation was that I had changed plans on laundry and even though the laundry mat was closed, and I could not get it done I had to suffer the consequences. Said consequences was wired sleeplessness. However, I also have had a lot of histamine filled foods and have been experiencing symptoms of a mass cell release. Is it ever going to be just one thing? Maybe, the physical evidence is the truth, and the yelling is judgment on their perceived ideas on why I am suffering. Either way I am exhausted. I hate having inner ear trouble. I hate it more that it can be caused without my consent by the supernatural. I will leave that there other than to say the feeling of a popping in your ear followed by what feels like the aftermath of being smacked in the back of the head is stomach dropping and extremely frustrating due to the knowledge when I go to lay down that lose crystal will be causing havoc on my inner ear.  

  Even now the voice is yelling at me. Then arguing how they are not yelling. 2018. You have yipped and taken free will since then at minimum. I am being kind. More research on the dark arts and the consequences of its use. Followed with more yelling, mocking, and strutting about how they are above the law. It is insanity. I was born into insanity.  

  Anyways, I heard a song I want to share with you. 180 by Tyson Venegas, from his 2023 self-titled EP. The fifth track, 3rd is not too bad either. The whole EP had an exceptionally smooth and relaxing sound. The lyrics on 180 though are what got my attention. He talks about using his platform to express and share his ideas on politics and world change since he is not old enough to vote. Why wait to be involved in the change the world needs. Most importantly I think being the change the world needs by using your voice and not just dropping your choice of a change facilitator into a voting box. There are six total tracks on the EP. Worth checking out especially if you are in a mellow music mood.  

  This week’s new addition is joining a discord channel. My introduction was of course a poem. Writing is my go-to in situations that will allow me to use it as a way to express myself when I am not sure what or how to say something. It is always a comfort for me in situations that are awkward for me, (it is on the Poetry page). This of course led to the obvious idea that I have been avoiding. Other than the weekly updates worked in my over processed emotions typed here I do not write much. The excuse I have been using is I need a prompt to distract me from my stress and trauma being forced from my being. Which was the only reason I went to discord. I had thought about books too, but at some point, I know I will want a critic. That is when what has been in the back of my mind and the thing, I have been avoiding became unavoidable. Music. Music is what prompts me. I am reluctant. … 

  That brought up a lot of feelings. Like my number one item to get once getting a place of my own was headphones and a piano. This fear kept coming up along with all the excuses that came with it. Like my song writing is over. Only a cistern and not a well. I said that back in the day when I succumbed to my own insecurities. Some say an empty pen with no ink and how they wish to fill me. Arrogance leaves this burning stench behind. To succumb is to give way of credit to another. That consequence is still following me and is filled with doubt. I wasted four months because of fear of failure and the need to constantly be prepared for it. Not the if it happens but when it happens. Due to the nature of my circumstances, I cannot argue with myself. I can only rationalize and accept it has happened.  

  For Four Thousand Miles and Anyone for you (Tiger Lily) I must leave and yes Coffin finally hit. Thats all.  

  September is when my lease ends. September is when I will be homeless again. Can you tell my hopes for a job are not there? *sigh* I am in between trying to rest from this atmosphere and trying in general. Vacation must be over.  

  Can’t get scared, been there.  

  Can’t be destroyed, been demolished.  

  Restored. Visited but the thieves always come back.  

  Come in Positivity… for the love of love…please:  

  Quick search for some inspiration… 

  

  Sharing is detrimental to the situation but a necessary process. Public not by choice. Therapy cost. Thank you for being at my place. Never to be seen and never heard, but forever present.  

  Water, water, and more water. Remember physical health is a large part of staying mentally healthy. You cannot function off exhaustion. Healing takes rest. Remember to rest.  

  I hope you have a wonderful week and that we move forward into light and help along with good graces and not more abusive behavior. 

  March 3, 2024

  anger, blogs, communication, depression, habits, houseless, letting go, memories, mental wellness, occult, reflection, supernatural

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• February 24th 2024

  Time off or Distraction

  It has been a long week. I was sick the first few days but was able to get some things done. I still have not been able to sleep well. Quantity with no quality. I still have this magik trick that has been burdening me since 2018. Four months after I left the town I was living in. It is possible that this is what happens to my sister when she is trying to leave. Maybe. It is the people he chose to use. The two say they are not connected, yet somehow… 

  It has taken a few days to even get to a place where I could breathe a little and even now when I think about the time, I feel a weight and am filled with anxiety. I went over some work stuff and will be continuing that for a while. Of course it is also tax season. There is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.  

  I have taken a few days to try and rest since it has been so long since I have had what is supposed to be a break. Physically more than mentally, but again it is hard to get the physical rest I need when there is constant chatter, alarms and ‘whispering’ thoughts while sleeping. It is funny cause talking about it is what makes me crazy. The first few days was spent having to listen to the constant talk of you are supposed to kill yourself. Then it changed to wait till you are at the end of the two months that were given to you along with feelings of how grateful I should be for the graciousness. As usual after a few days I went back to ignoring them and of course had to listen to them when I started ‘doing what they say’ keep in mind these are things I would do anyways or may not have thought of myself but did not reject the idea. Sometimes I think they do not know about my parents and the things that I have already been through. Maybe they do not know he can hear them as well as me. I do not think they realize you can wear more than one ‘hat’ or magik trick. Each one that thinks they are the only ones; do not know we are not alone. It is rare to have the groups together or close in time span. Of course, the subconscious thinkers or ones with no voice have no indicator other than what is forced upon me. Just as the signatures I see over many things. The things forced on someone tells you something about the person that is doing the forcing. I am not sure if the last two days has been a distraction to keep me from getting a subject to write about so much as to empty my mind as some say or an attempt to keep me once again from writing at all since spilling my thoughts are something that would be irresponsible to do in my current state. Do I tell them here? That all those years ago I could be found and that I would write what was happening as it was happening? That I did contact the authorities and told them what I would do? Is it time to? I heard someone just today decide to use words on me I have used in the past. Are they in the magik trick hat? Their voice is. Infact it is the fact that the voices being heard and that they are people I know from my past only tells others who have knowledge of schizophrenia that I am not having an episode. I am in fact being followed, stalked, and harassed. I was told I would never be allowed to keep a job, that they would find me and make me lose it. They work with my stepdad to aid him. I sometimes wonder what or how they get paid. It has always been personal to me.  

  Of all the movies I watched, LUCY is the one that had to be my favorite. Aquaman being second. Lucy was like watching my last post being put into movie form. Or maybe with the life I have had it was the movie I watched in the future that defined my present belief system. Depends on who you are, I guess. Circles. To see or be told of future events only to live them out really is a Matrix-Oracle moment. One I have more than grown accustomed to. It is only when talking to critics or judgmental people or just @ssholes that it even surfaces as needing acknowledgement. When dealing with these types of people my own smart @ss characteristic come out as I hide all emotion and go strictly into think mode straight android face and all. No emotion pure logic and whatever bs that keeps them in their own little @sswhole world of I know that I know when they clearly do not. At least I try to read people and not scare unknowing ones. Some do not. The truth is, they caught me, and I tell them they did and that they overestimated me too. Some get it and some do not. The ones that do not are the ones that I walk away from. I am no longer sure of why they approached me in the first place. LUCY was a good movie.  

  So, going into next week…all I can say is, try to stay positive, keep your eyes open and do not forget your taxes while waiting for everything you need to come in to do said taxes. Some of those things you must ask for. Have a good week and drink your water. 

  February 25, 2024

  anger, blogs, letting go, magik, mental wellness, occult, reflection, supernatural

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• January 28th, 2024: A New Year…Who am I kidding…Another year…

  Hello to all who are crazy like me. Crazy is as crazy does like stupid from Forest Gump. It has been a while since I have been able to sit down and write something and even now, I think it will be somewhat lacking.
  I have spent most of the evening trying to sort out the chaos from living in my car and using my phone to post blogs and poetry. It will be a work in progress as I try to go back over each one correcting all the spelling and grammar errors. I find it funny I sat here for a while trying to relearn the navigation and learn the latest updates for WordPress and am willing to just create a link for all prior blogs but cannot seem to let the proof reading and error correction go for each one. I wanted a much smoother flow of links for the Trouble for a Love Reference and some of the other pages but sorting it all out is going to take a while and I wanted to get an update out to you guys sooner rather than later.
  I have obtained a residence. To the whispers of those who say I need to find my own place and insinuate that I just moved in with someone and they must be found, and my hidden and unlawful background revealed to them, I say…seriously. You would spread rumors upon rumors. I once again on my own found and obtained residence…alone…without help…a second time. I think it is funny how people mock my responsibility based off a rumor that I went to my parents for everything. Granted I also must take responsibility for some sarcastic remarks resembling the same. Anyways, why are you in my personal life if you cannot get the facts straight? Drama…I know drama. Looking for fights because your sources are beyond reliable. You will do and believe what you want and that, whispers, is what I say to you.

  
  To my reader…whoever you may be, are here for the truth. I have started to somewhat get settled and organized. It was rough at the start due to reorganizing and sorting items from storage. Even while homeless I was still trying to downsize a bit. Some people think being homeless I would have abandoned all my possessions, but I slowly gave things away as the weeks
  passed due to depression. A few times of having to switch storage units due to money not coming in and having to downsize to a smaller unit. It was so hard to get rid of some of the stuff I gave away. I am not someone who just buys anything. I would wait a long time to find exactly what I needed, the design I wanted and to make sure it was something I would use regularly or at least have a useful purpose rather than just sitting and collecting dust. Letting go can be difficult for me due to that and the fact I am a sentimental person. Which is undoubtedly one of the main challenges of living a minimalist lifestyle. Already I am feeling cluttered and still feel in need of reorganizing everything once again.

  
  I was so grateful I was able to get inside before the cold hit again. It would have been my third. Technically two and a half if you want to look at it that way. People go years. Unimaginable. I remember being so appreciative that I still had my car. Of course, I planned on it because I knew there would have been no way for me to survive physically or mentally without further mental and emotional damage without it. What I did go through to get it paid off in comparison to what would have been had I not found a way to purchase it is something I am sure many who do not know my already fragile mental state would say I was being dramatic. There were some who said I needed to sleep on the ground or learn how to walk. You know those people, the ones who listen to rumors or assume they know you. Don’t you know we are all cookie cutter people? If one person wakes up in the morning capable of taking on the entire world and all it holds negative or positive, then we ALL are capable. Society dictates our strengths. Or our neighbor peeking into a glass house whose lights are off. Eh, either way…

  
  Goals. 2024.

  
  I am not really a set-in stone type of girl, which I know is probably the reason for my haphazardness at success, but when it comes down to what really needs to get done my ambition tends to rise. I won’t lie to you and say my mental health has nothing to do with my ambitions. Let us be real and
  say we know I am still struggling with the elephant in the room. The subject they do not want me to blog about. The crazy, tired, homeless ramblings under the ‘To Starting Over.’ The dark arts and occult characteristics hidden by those called saints. As I am not yet a sinner but defiantly not a saint, I am someone in need of an advocate and a therapist. Not quite reaching the IQ heights of schizophrenia…my ramblings must stop.

  
  Look, here is the deal. Your neighbor, the quiet one, even the loud one hides things in their closet that will make you cringe or hurl maybe both. We all have a little crazy. I hear voices. Nonspiritual people want me on psych meds. Spiritual people want me to find Jesus, Budda, Krishna, Muhammad something to pray to. Some just want me to admit a truth known to me and them but cannot act on it due to my beliefs about my country and how to try and protect it. Dark and murky. Some say empath, others a mind reader. Context thought processor. A real-life android from the lifeline of Sophia. We have complicated something so simple and why…entertainment, fear, control, sarcasm gone too far. In short, I am a private person and like my privacy and am something or someone who is or was put into a place I do not want to be too open about. Yet…here I am, why…you who are out there…alone…afraid…and confused. I do… you know, I know…if you are not being a pain in the @ss you have one. I think we all are both. I care too much, they tell me. You are the reason I will not stop. They will harass you and try to force you out. The extrovert who does not mind can handle it. The private introvert, stand your ground. They are nosy and disrespectful people for trying to force you out. They have no boundaries or compassion. They are rude. Be strong. We do not all have to KNOW that we KNOW. If they tell you otherwise, they really are just telling you who they are.

  
  Books, books, and more books. One a month at least. And back to blogging. The poetry, we will see. Still have some people with their own opinions. I did come across a USB with old poetry some from high school along with my scanned middle school journal. (mental note: A scanner and A printer, I need them). Anyways, right now I am re-reading a book I did not get to enjoy the
  first time. I will see about reporting to you about it. Also, Twitter be gone and ‘X’ in place, my evil plans have been thwarted by m-y e-v-i-l p-l-a-n-s. I will try to get back to social media links soon so my crazy can spread like the virus it has become. I mean I am the main character do not cha know. Seriously though, no small parts just small actors. Really small…coffee anyone?
  …okay, but seriously…

  
  With thoughts of going back to regular weekly blogs I will leave you with this:

  
  When planning gets hard remember they have plans on how to plan. Do not forget even the spontaneous can plan with help from a jar, some paper, and a pen. Need a surprise, grab a friend and have them fill your jar. (that could also be a free coaching service you would be receiving, but do not tell them)

  January 28, 2024

  blogs, humor, introverts, mental wellness, mental-health, occult, reflection, weirdness

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